Luis is a columnist for Cracked.com and an astral projection of an unfathomable being from across the universe.
Signs Your Nutritionist Thinks You’re A Disgusting Piece Of Shit
Does she ever pretend to choke you?
We Just Tried Western Medicine, And Holy Shit Is It Effective!
Have you guys ever tried antibiotics?!
Poop Doulas And 4 Other Types Of Doulas You Didn’t Know You Need
A good doula is duty-bound to help you do things your way!
I’m Totally Okay Being Trapped Under This Weighted Blanket
Getting crushed to death never felt so safe.
Oh No, The 2019 Must-Have Look Is The Movie Hackers
HACK THE PLANET! HACK THE PLANNNNEEEEET!
I Won’t Breastfeed My Child, And If That Makes Me A Bad Dad, So Be It
I don’t care what you think of me. I’m not going to do it.
Our Restaurant’s New Insect Menu Has Nothing To Do With The Recent Fumigation
The two events are purely coincidental.
Why Can’t My Son Be My Emotional Support Animal? He’s On A Leash
He’s just as untamable as any beast.
Stop Screaming At Your Kids And Let Me Do It For You!
If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand.
Recipes For Standing In Front Of The Fridge In Your Underwear At 2AM
Not to be confused for 3AM recipes.
Reminder: Your Neti Pot Is The Best Way To Drown Yourself On Dry Land
Free yourself of sinus infections once and for all (and confound investigators).
I Traveled The World And Didn’t Learn A Fucking Thing About Myself
It isn’t worth it, just stay home.
Reminder: Don’t Fuck Up This Turkey, Because You Can Really Use A Win Right Now
This Thanksgiving turkey is just the opportunity you need to have at least one thing go right. And you really need it because, let’s be honest, you can really use a win right now.
The Beginner’s Guide To Fine-Dining Terminology
The world of fine dining has its own complex language that can turn a romantic date into a confusing embarrassment if you don’t know the lingo. Worry no more, because we’re here to help.
Marvelous Meat: This Plant-Based Burger Not Only Bleeds, It Screams
We spoke with Marvelous Meats’ CEO Rodger Diaz about his potentially game-changing screaming beef that psychologically satisfies.
We Can’t Get Enough Of These 5 Celebrity-Recommended Tax Havens
When celebs spill the beans on the best countries to open an offshore bank account to hide their wealth from different governments, we’re here for it.
6 Stages Of WTF When Your Meditation Teacher Says ‘Marinate’ Instead Of ‘Meditate’
You’re focusing on trying to enter a zone of heightened consciousness, but your guided meditation instructor keeps saying ‘marinate’ instead of ‘meditate.’
Fall Trends: What’s In (Plaid!) And What’s Out (All Of Your Most Closely Guarded Secrets)
To make sure you don’t get caught dead with last year’s trends, here’s a round-up of what’s in and what’s out this fall.
You’re Only Taking Yoga Classes So You Can Learn To Go Down On Yourself. Own it
Here’s a scenario: You’re in your first yoga class ever and you accidentally reveal that the only reason you’re there is so you can become limber enough to orally pleasure yourself. The class is stunned by your admission, and you’re shocked to discover that people do yoga for reasons other than orally pleasuring themselves. No […]
Compliments I Imagine You’ll Receive About This Fleshlight That’s Cleverly Disguised As A Gold Necklace
As a man, I believe it’s unfair for any woman to have fun that I cannot partake in myself. That’s why I’m the reason all the local bars that offer “ladies nights” must now also offer “men’s nights” that I personally do not attend out of fear of those who do, which only proves my […]
People Always Told Me I Couldn’t Start My Own Bee Farm, So I Proved Them Right
People always told me there was no way I’d ever be able to manage a hive of bees like the trendy rooftop beekeepers of New York City, and oh boy, did it feel good to silence all the haters when I proved them right. I think I knew I wouldn’t be a good beekeeper when […]
I Swear To God, You People Better Stop Pissing In My Sensory Deprivation Tank
Look, I get it. The water in the sensory deprivation tank I loaned to the Bunny Ears office is very soothing. It plunges your mind into a deep state of meditative contemplation. The salinity of the water that keeps you suspended on the surface is as close to feeling the weightlessness of space as you’ll […]
I’ve Hidden My Compost Piles Beneath Fall Leaves—Let’s See If These Goddamn Neighborhood Kids Notice
The leaves are changing from verdant greens to cozy oranges and browns. That means fall is here and so, too, are those goddamn neighborhood kids who jump into my carefully amassed piles of fall leaves for some autumn merriment at the expense of my hard labor. Mark my words: things will be different this year. […]
Doomsday (Meal) Prepper: How To Meal Prep For The Impending Nuclear Winter
The world of today is a scary place. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, but if you’re like us, you’re pretty sure it’ll bring a hail of nuclear missiles that will wipe out all semblance of human progress in one white-hot instant. Also like us, you’ve probably been prepping for that moment of nuclear […]
Emergency Poses To Break Out In Case No One Is Getting Sexually Aroused During Your Naked Yoga Class
It’s every naked yoga instructor’s worst nightmare: your class is nearing its end and not a single person’s genitals have swelled with sexual anticipation at the sight of all the beautiful naked bodies contorted into poses that let you see everything. Don’t panic. It’s perfectly normal to occasionally get stuck with a class of Hesitant […]
We Made 6 Acupuncturists Sleep On A Bed of Nails for A Night
We are acupuncture diehards. We even have an on-site acupuncturist here in the Bunny Ears offices named Jennifer Chen (hi Jen!) ready to skewer our allergies away with a precise strike to our acupoints at the first sign of a runny nose. So we brought her into our usual Tuesday ayahuasca editorial meeting to pitch […]
Healthy and Delicious Veggies That Will Make You Feel Like You’re Looking at Deepak Chopra
It’s rumored that Sigmund Freud once said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” We get you, Sigmund. Trying to find deeper meaning in random things is a fool’s errand – unless you’re talking about healthy and delicious vegetables that will make you feel like you’re looking at Deepak Chopra. I know I’m not […]
Beginner’s Guide to Beans
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better to […]
Using Free Public Electric Scooters For A Week Changed The Way I Commit Hit and Runs
It’s only been a week and already the local initiative to provide a fleet of free, easily accessible electric scooters to the public has me feeling like my car is an unnecessary extravagance. Why do I need all of that machinery to get to my buddy’s place up the street, or to run over random […]
I Ate a Mysterious Himalayan Superfood and Now Everyone Has a Clock Counting Down Over Their Heads
My life is so hectic that I need all my nutrients crammed into me as efficiently as possible. That’s why I never leave the house before having my protein shake suppository inserted. I got so excited when my dog sitter’s doula told me about the wonders of Sujuk that I just needed to buy the […]
How Oprah Cyberbullied Me Into Buying A $500 Fancy Scarf
I had no intention of ever buying a scarf that retailed for $500 until Oprah Winfrey cyberbullied me to do so for weeks. It was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. Here’s how Oprah cyberbullied me. I had never spoken to Oprah and I never thought I would. You can only imagine […]
Yes, My Son’s a Cello Prodigy, But His Shit Still Stinks Like the Rest of Us
My son is an incredible cellist. He’s been getting full-ride scholarships from the likes of Julliard, the New England Conservatory, and the Yale School of Music since he was in 6th grade. He’s given private solo performances for 3 presidents, 2 crown princes, and a Duke. He was being showered with roses after playing Bach’s […]
Which Diet Gave Me Chlamydia? An Investigation
I needed to lose some weight. The problem was I didn’t know where to start: Atkins, Keto, intermittent fasting—to name just a few. The more I researched, the more confused I got. Which is why I decided to try them all to figure out which works best for me and my body. And now I […]
How I Achieved Perfect Harmony Between My Tapeworm and My Amazonian Dick Fish – And You Can Too!
When people find out I am host to a tapeworm and an Amazonian dick fish, they always ask the same questions: “What the fuck?” “Have you seen someone about that?” And finally, “do they get along?” The answers are, respectively, “please don’t swear around my tapeworm,” “of course not,” and a resounding “yes.” But it […]
Recipes For Your Ecstasy-Fueled PTA Potluck
Your annual Parent-Teacher Association potluck meetings are usually fraught with tension as parents and school faculty tussle to craft a wholesome learning environment while scarfing down microwaved potato skins. But with a little innocent subterfuge, a few crowd-pleasing recipes, and a bag full of ecstasy pills shaped like Spider-Man’s head, you can turn your stuffy […]
The Hottest New Trend In Wellness: Which Tracheotomy Bar Is Right For You?
We get pretty excited around here when a new health and beauty trend sweeps the nation. It gives us the chance to write off excessive pampering sessions as a work expense. (You’ll never catch us, Uncle Sam!) Our latest obsession might sound a little dangerous at first, but trust us, it’s only very dangerous. This […]
Miraculous New Health Therapy: Go Into The Woods And Leave Everyone The Fuck Alone
A walk in the woods is good for more than finding a moment to reconnect with the natural world, so says Rodrigo Montoya, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, who advocates for regular reconnections with the outdoors as a means of stress relief. It’s not just his research that makes him […]
Grounding: Connecting To The Natural Energies of Your Home By Sticking Metal Rods In Power Outlets
It sounds too simple to be true, but science has proven that people are never more mentally and physically fit than when they’re at home. They sleep better. They’re less anxious. They’re still flatulent, but their flatulence is devoid of sound and odor and gains a pleasant, visible tinge of fuchsia. But making a house […]
How I Attained Enlightenment By Hostilely Taking Over A Health Food Grocery Chain
Giving Americans the opportunity to eat better for less wasn’t just a long-term professional goal—it was a spiritual mission, and it can be achieved through volunteer work or charitable donations. Or you could do like I did: Take a shortcut by buying out a health food grocery chain owned by my former college roommate, Chip […]
How To Meditate Without Being Consumed By Memories Of That Thing You Did
When you close your eyes, focus on your breathing, and find peace in the silence, you will inevitably find yourself fighting back the memory of that thing you did that time. That horrible, horrible thing. Without a bevy of distractions to keep the memory at bay, the look in their eyes as your victim slowly […]
Snackchat: Eat Healthier By Talking Food Into Being Less Fatty
Unhealthy food understands it’s our prey, so it releases toxic sugars and fats into our bodies as a self-defense mechanism when we eat. But it doesn’t have to be this way. For so long, diets have unfairly disparaged unhealthy food without taking a second to consider whether our cakes and fries would harm us if […]
Lavish Vacation Spots To Visit When You’re On The Run From The Securities and Exchange Commission
When you’re on the run from the Securities and Exchange Commission after orchestrating a massive fraudulent initial coin offering of your cryptocurrency, Skankcoin, you’re not going to hide out in some shack in Montana where there are more deer than mojitos. You earned the nearly $1 billion those dumb crypto-bros gave you of their own […]
This Isn’t A Sponsored Article Touting The Benefits of Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream
I used to be so disappointed when I saw myself in the mirror first thing in the morning. Did time, stress, sleeplessness, parenthood, and all of those speedballs I did in my twenties conspire to ruin the beauty that got me invited to all those secret ritualistic orgies? Yes. Yes, they had. But that all changed […]
I Climbed Everest And Still Can’t Maintain An Erection
Of his expedition to the summit of Mount Everest, legendary mountaineer Sir Edmund Hillary said, “It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.” His succinct words speak volumes about my own experiences. Like Edmund, I, too, have scaled Everest. I had my fears and limitations to conquer, of course, but there were deeper motivations. I […]
The Feng Shui Sutra: Rearranging Furniture To Enhance Your Sex Life
We get it. Rearranging your heavy furniture just to change things up isn’t enticing enough to waste a weekend afternoon. But what if we told you there was a way to arrange your couch, side tables, and even that bowl of potpourri in a way that will harmonize your home with the erotic frequencies of […]