Luis is a columnist for Cracked.com and an astral projection of an unfathomable being from across the universe.
These 5 Posh Hotels Have One Thing in Common: You’re Banned from Them
Not everybody gets to stay at the most beautiful and luxurious hotels in the world. Especially not you anymore after what you’ve done in them.
Jackfruit Is The Vegan Alternative To Dog Meat You’ve Been Waiting For
Look, we get it. There’s no need to preach to us about how good dog meat can be, and finding a healthy, delicious, vegan alternative can be difficult. Enter jackfruit, a freaky-looking, spiky fruit native to the tropical lowlands of Southeast Asia. Its meaty texture and neutral flavor will leave you amazed that you’re not […]
Identity Retreats: The Best Self-Care After You’ve Witnessed A Crime
I thought my life was over when I changed my identity and was forced into hiding. But boy was I wrong
How To Make Edible Slime In A Desperate Attempt To Connect With Your Kids
If your kid prefers squishing a disgusting substance between their fingers more than interacting with you, then congratulations, this guide is for you.
Charitable Pooping Is A Thing And Allow Me To Explain
Ever feel like you’re letting your poops go to waste? Have you ever considered dropping them on the doorstep of people who may or may not need them?
3 School Lunches Your Child’s Bully Will Love
Cut out the middleman and prep for the bully’s palette instead! It’s good to know there’s at least one person likes your cooking.
I’m An Introvert And I Need Every Person On Earth To Know It
Only after I personally tell every sentient creature that I’m super shy will the world finally understand my struggles as an introvert.
I Will Not Be Shamed For Watching Porn, Especially On The Bus
Watching porn on the bus doesn’t make me weird. It makes me a sex positive revolutionary on the front lines in the war between prudishness and pleasure.
We’re Discontinuing Our Charcoal Masks Because You’re A Bunch Of Racists
All you had to do was let the natural detoxifying wonders of charcoal clean out your pores. You couldn’t even do that without being racist, could you?
Please Stop Jerking Off With My Luxurious Moisturizer
There are so many substances you can use to masturbate. All that I ask is that you don’t use my luxurious moisturizer. It’s not too much to ask, is it?
We Tested $20,000 Worth Of Moisturizers Because We’re Mad With Power
It began as a lazy reason to create some more fine Internet Content. It ended with a morbid obession that brought us to the brink of perpetual moistness.
How To Kimchi That Body In Your Backyard
Love kimchi? Need to dispose of a body? Well you’re in luck!
You’re Not Infusing Your Vinegar And We’re All Judging You For It
Why are you doing this to yourself? To all of us?
As A Dream Interpreter, I’m Qualified to Say You’re All Disgusting Perverts
I already know the answer due to my years of experience as a dream interpreter, but have you tried watching something other than porn as you fall asleep?
The Beginner’s Guide To Salt (Because There’s A LOT Of Options)
You probably don’t have anything meaningful to do right now anyway.
I’m Hoping For A Cryotherapy Mishap That Turns Me Into Mr. Freeze
I can’t wait until one of my doctors makes an innocent mistake while adjusting the settings on the cryo-tank and it turns me into Mr. Freeze.
I’ve Been Holding In A Tantric Orgasm For 22 Years. Please Don’t Touch Me
Please don’t touch me.
Oops! I Think I May Have Over-Exfoliated
As a general rule, you should never exfoliate so much that you accidentally end up brushing your teeth with your finger tips and Clinique facial scrub.
5 Hot Places We’re Visiting This Winter While You Suckers Freeze
Oof, this sand is maybe *TOO* warm!
Heal Thy Neighbor By Throwing Crystals Through His Window
The guy can really use the help, and I’m here to give it to him one 90 mile-an-hour moonstone fastball at a time.
Signs Your Nutritionist Thinks You’re A Disgusting Piece Of Shit
Does she ever pretend to choke you?
We Just Tried Western Medicine, And Holy Shit Is It Effective!
Have you guys ever tried antibiotics?!
Poop Doulas And 4 Other Types Of Doulas You Didn’t Know You Need
A good doula is duty-bound to help you do things your way!
I’m Totally Okay Being Trapped Under This Weighted Blanket
Getting crushed to death never felt so safe.
Oh No, The 2019 Must-Have Look Is The Movie Hackers
HACK THE PLANET! HACK THE PLANNNNEEEEET!
I Won’t Breastfeed My Child, And If That Makes Me A Bad Dad, So Be It
I don’t care what you think of me. I’m not going to do it.
Our Restaurant’s New Insect Menu Has Nothing To Do With The Recent Fumigation
The two events are purely coincidental.
Why Can’t My Son Be My Emotional Support Animal? He’s On A Leash
He’s just as untamable as any beast.
Stop Screaming At Your Kids And Let Me Do It For You!
If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand.
Recipes For Standing In Front Of The Fridge In Your Underwear At 2AM
Not to be confused for 3AM recipes.
Reminder: Your Neti Pot Is The Best Way To Drown Yourself On Dry Land
Free yourself of sinus infections once and for all (and confound investigators).
I Traveled The World And Didn’t Learn A Fucking Thing About Myself
It isn’t worth it, just stay home.
Reminder: Don’t Fuck Up This Turkey, Because You Can Really Use A Win Right Now
This Thanksgiving turkey is just the opportunity you need to have at least one thing go right. And you really need it because, let’s be honest, you can really use a win right now.
The Beginner’s Guide To Fine-Dining Terminology
The world of fine dining has its own complex language that can turn a romantic date into a confusing embarrassment if you don’t know the lingo. Worry no more, because we’re here to help.
Marvelous Meat: This Plant-Based Burger Not Only Bleeds, It Screams
We spoke with Marvelous Meats’ CEO Rodger Diaz about his potentially game-changing screaming beef that psychologically satisfies.
We Can’t Get Enough Of These 5 Celebrity-Recommended Tax Havens
When celebs spill the beans on the best countries to open an offshore bank account to hide their wealth from different governments, we’re here for it.
6 Stages Of WTF When Your Meditation Teacher Says ‘Marinate’ Instead Of ‘Meditate’
You’re focusing on trying to enter a zone of heightened consciousness, but your guided meditation instructor keeps saying ‘marinate’ instead of ‘meditate.’
Fall Trends: What’s In (Plaid!) And What’s Out (All Of Your Most Closely Guarded Secrets)
To make sure you don’t get caught dead with last year’s trends, here’s a round-up of what’s in and what’s out this fall.
You’re Only Taking Yoga Classes So You Can Learn To Go Down On Yourself. Own it
Here’s a scenario: You’re in your first yoga class ever and you accidentally reveal that the only reason you’re there is so you can become limber enough to orally pleasure yourself. The class is stunned by your admission, and you’re shocked to discover that people do yoga for reasons other than orally pleasuring themselves. No […]
Compliments I Imagine You’ll Receive About This Fleshlight That’s Cleverly Disguised As A Gold Necklace
As a man, I believe it’s unfair for any woman to have fun that I cannot partake in myself. That’s why I’m the reason all the local bars that offer “ladies nights” must now also offer “men’s nights” that I personally do not attend out of fear of those who do, which only proves my […]
People Always Told Me I Couldn’t Start My Own Bee Farm, So I Proved Them Right
People always told me there was no way I’d ever be able to manage a hive of bees like the trendy rooftop beekeepers of New York City, and oh boy, did it feel good to silence all the haters when I proved them right. I think I knew I wouldn’t be a good beekeeper when […]
I Swear To God, You People Better Stop Pissing In My Sensory Deprivation Tank
Look, I get it. The water in the sensory deprivation tank I loaned to the Bunny Ears office is very soothing. It plunges your mind into a deep state of meditative contemplation. The salinity of the water that keeps you suspended on the surface is as close to feeling the weightlessness of space as you’ll […]