The D&D Character Alignments Of The Shitty Kids Who Attended My Son’s 6th Birthday Party
Some of the kids who attended my son’s birthday party at the park were precious little angels who I’m sure are going to make it pretty far in life. Others were cantankerous scumbags for whom I wish nothing but the worst. Let’s figure out where they all fell along the classic Dungeons & Dragons character alignment spectrum, which ranges from Lawful Good to Chaotic Evil.
Lawful Good – Allison
Allison is an angel. She is the very model of childhood perfection. So well behaved, so courteous and respectful. This is a real top-notch child.
Neutral Good – Teagan
Teagan is effortlessly good in a way that makes me feel bad for myself. Fuck Teagan.
Chaotic Good – Rodolfo
He busted open the piñata before we could even hang it, but then he gave my son first dibs on the candy that fell out. His heart is in the right place, he’s just a shithead.
Lawful Neutral – Katie
She was acting as an ally when she let me know that Jason had sucked the ketchup off a hotdog at the buffet table then put it back in the bun. She was an enemy when she let everyone know that I had committed a serious health code violation when I briefly picked my nose while manning the grill. Katie is a snitch. It’s going to get her killed one day.
Neutral – Fernando
Whether he was playing freeze tag, jumping in the bounce house, or in the midst of a water balloon fight, Fernando showed no allegiance to anyone and expressed no emotion throughout any of it. If he hasn’t killed already, he will one day, and he’ll make a decent living off of it.
Chaotic Neutral – Mable
She won the Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament because she threw her choice a microsecond after her opponent, giving her just enough time to react to their throw. She’s going to rule us all one day. And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.
Lawful Evil – Lyndsay
She “accidentally” body slammed all the other kids in what was a clear effort to become the Lord of the Bounce House. Interestingly, she couldn’t pull the trigger when it came to knocking out my 2 1/2-year-old nephew. Her insatiable thirst for power has limits after all.
Neutral Evil – Reese
I caught him tying Mable’s hair to a bicycle spoke. I stopped him before he could ride away. The look in his eyes when I caught him … it keeps me up at night.
Chaotic Evil – Jason
He stole and ate my son’s slice of birthday cake, then went into anaphylactic shock. As we scrambled for his EpiPen, he began to laugh at me, and once he fully recovered he did a rude impression of my reaction to his near-death experience, then called me a loser. He is truly terrifying, and also, I wish it was still cool to hit kids.