How To Tell Your Child They Were Conceived To A Papa Roach Album
One day, your child will look up at you and ask, “Where did I come from?” Even the most confident parents can find “the talk” a challenge, and it’s even more uncomfortable for you, because your child was conceived while the Papa Roach album Infest was playing.
You’ve come a long way since that one-night stand with Trey. Now you’re a badass single mom whom your child looks up to. If you told them the truth, that their moment of conception was accompanied by the sounds of early 2000s nu metal, your child’s faith in you would be shattered. On the other hand, not telling your child that they were conceived to a Papa Roach album practically guarantees that they, too, will have unprotected sex with someone who thinks Jacoby Shaddix is “the voice of his generation.” So here are some tips on how to navigate this extremely fraught conversation.
Practice the Conversation Beforehand—With a Professional
You will eventually have to admit that your child has a father. If you’re not prepared, you may stumble over your words and blurt out, “Your Dad loved a band that Spill magazine called, ‘As harsh on the ears as it is on the psyche.’”
To avoid this, practice the conversation beforehand—with someone who legally cannot share your shameful secret. Act out “the talk” with a priest, a therapist, any other type of doctor, or even a lawyer. Then, if they tell anyone your baby-daddy liked to bang to a song called “Peewagon,” you can sue.
Don’t Get Bogged Down by the Details
It’s time for the talk. You want to teach your child that having sex comes with consequences, but you don’t have to get too specific. You don’t even have to mention Papa Roach. That would just lead to more questions. You also don’t have to mention how you were so lonely after college that you would’ve slept with anyone who showed interest, even your 38-year-old Craigslist roommate whose whole job was selling vape pens at strip clubs. Or how Trey owned more leather bracelets than pairs of pants. Or how he murmured, “Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort” in time with his thrusts.
Have an Escape Plan Ready
Your child may still have questions you can’t answer, like, “How come you freak out whenever you hear rap-metal?” This is when it’s time to bail. Say that Mommy has a nasty case of diarrhea and barricade yourself in the bathroom until they leave you alone. If your child pounds on the door demanding answers, climb out a window and hole up in the nearest bar until nightfall. Eventually your child will fall asleep and forget what they were so upset about.
Tell Them They Were Adopted
No matter what you do, there will likely come a day when you have to own up to your past. Luckily, there’s one final thing you can do to salvage the situation: Tell your child they were adopted. You might have failed as a role model, but their fictional biological parents can be whoever you need them to be. Say something like, “Your real mom and dad were aid workers who died rescuing sick babies from a shipwreck. They were too busy to even listen to music. They had sex once, fully clothed, in total silence.”