How To Kimchi That Body In Your Backyard
So, there’s that pesky dead man in your backyard you have to deal with. Don’t panic, because now you have the perfect opportunity to bury the body while harnessing the versatility of Korean food fermentation techniques to kimchi that body into funky deliciousness.
A big misconception about kimchi is that it’s only made with cabbage. That’s just not true. You can kimchi anything: cucumbers, radishes, carrots—even a man if you need to— and with that body in your yard you certainly need to. All you need is a large enough kimchi pot, which you can get at any home depot garden department. If an employee asks what you’re using it for, say “plants” and not “to kimchi a dead man.”
Kimchi is so versatile due to a combination of ingredients that complement nearly anything. But it isn’t until the mixture is buried underground for weeks that the flavor comes alive as the cabbage decays. Though “coming alive” is definitely not something the kimchi-ed man will do. How did he end up dead in your yard in the first place? Your blackouts have had some pretty wild results before, but never this bad. You could call the cops, but you do have a record and there are too many questions you can’t answer, so it’s probably best to kimchi the man before this gets messy.
That’s not to say that making kimchi isn’t a messy business. You’ll want to wear gloves to protect your hands from the heat of the pepper flakes. And don’t wear anything you wouldn’t mind getting stained. Or do, since the deep red of the kimchi paste is really good for hiding bloodstains and its potential aroma is perfect for throwing a police dog off the scent.
To start, gather your ingredients. You’ll need…
The Body Of The Guy In Your Backyard
A Large Clay Pot
Korean Red Pepper Flakes
Minced Korean Pear
Next, combine your ingredients in a medium-sized bowl until a thick paste forms. And with that, you’re basically done! From here you can kimchi Napa cabbage or a bundle of cucumbers. Or you can go straight to kimchi-ing that guy since you think you hear sirens. They could just be an auditory hallucination brought on by your guilty conscience, even though you might not actually be guilty. You have no evidence you killed that guy, but let’s face it, it’s plausible.
Slather his body with the chili paste mixture, being sure to coat every nook and cranny. However, you choose to get the man into the large clay pot is up to you. Sawing his limbs could take a while but it would make him easier to arrange in the pot. You can stuff him in legs-first and then stomp down like you’re trying to close an overstuffed suitcase. Whatever works for how much time you think you have before sun up.
Cabbage-based kimchi is traditionally buried in the spring and unearthed in the fall. We’re going to have to toss out those old metrics since there’s no official statute of limitation for murder, assuming that’s what happened here. You should probably let that fermentation settle in for the long haul; somewhere between 30 to 50 years. You really don’t need to ever dig up this batch of kimchi. It belongs to the Earth now. But if you get a hankering for man-kimchi, it’ll be great in a stew and even better with some Korean barbecued ribs.
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