Forget Guilt-Free Snacking: Here Are The “Conflict Diamonds” Of Snack Foods

Many food companies will try to promise you “guilt-free” snacking with “healthy” snack alternatives but let’s get real here: there is no guiltless snacking. When Eve took that bite of the apple back in Bible times, God’s wrath descended upon humans and decreed “Thou shalt not snack unless you feel immediate regret. I mean good Me, Eve, you just had dinner and now you want apples?”  Ever since then, snacks have been inextricably associated with sin. So why try to fight the guilt? Use that shame as a delectable seasoning on your munchie crimes. As a professional snackie, I have discovered the ultimate menu of morally unconscionable “conflict diamonds of snack foods”, for those of us who like to get a little naughty with our nibbles.

Dolphin Tuna & Crackers 

Have you ever noticed those “dolphin safe” labels on tuna? Those are for cowards. Personally, I can’t enjoy my tuna unless I imagine a dolphin trapped amongst thousands of writhing fish. The fish do not comprehend their fate, but the dolphin’s larger brain is capable of contemplating his own mortality. He cries out for help, but his dolphin friends cannot hear him over the cacophonous slapping of panicked fishtails nor the motorized thrum of the fishing boat. Just thinking about it makes me hungry!

After countless hours of searching the dark web I have found canned tuna that not only flouts the “dolphin safe” label, but actually guarantees at least 10% of the meat is from murdered dolphin bystanders! I find that it gives the tuna a buttery, flaky texture, making it a perfect match with some Ritz crackers. When you hold the empty can up to your ear, you can hear the ocean, punctuated by the sad, squealed dirges of bereft dolphins.

Whole Guinea Pig On A Stick

Processed meat often ignores the reality of its origins: a living, breathing, and oftimes adorable animal. I’ve yet to find a burger joint that leaves the mournful face of a cow on the patty. Frankly, I think this omission is a mistake. A properly executed dish is one that makes the execution part of the experience. A grilled guinea pig impaled on a stick satisfies this craving. I had pet guinea pigs as a kid, and that cognitive dissonance only adds to the culinary sophistication. There’s simply no substitute for seeing that your snack was once a fully-formed living creature, one with a twitching little nose and tiny feet, whom you could have named Cinnamon and gone on adventures with.

Pardoned Turkey Double Jeopardy 

Our justice system endeavors to create a fair and humane set of laws. The justice system falls short of this, so why should you be held to higher standards? Sure, you aren’t supposed to try a turkey for the same crime, but there are exploitable legal loopholes in Bird Law. Track down that pardoned turkey and book him again. Hire a crack team of lawyers to ensure that this time, his sentence is to be brined for 24 hours, seasoned with a thyme, rosemary, and garlic rub, and stuffed to the brim with focaccia breadcrumbs.

The Turducken of Foie Gras 

Foie Gras is the delicious innards of a goose that has been forcibly fed until its liver swells to ten times its normal volume. This is considered to be the most cruel farming practice by animal advocates, but by thinking outside the box one can come up with even crueler ideas. Instead of force-feeding the goose breadcrumbs, feed it goose meat meal. In fact, the goose that you have killed to create the goose meat meal should itself have been force-fed goose meat. You’ll want to repeat this process several times, until you are able to create a goose that has been force fed as close to 100% goose-matter as possible. Then cut out its liver and spread as a paté on some triscuits.

Ortolan Poppers 

Ortolan bunting is a small, peaceful songbird, that is delicious after being tortured. In classic French cuisine, the ortolan is placed in a darkened cage, causing it to become psychologically disturbed so it feeds compulsively on grain. The bird is then drowned in brandy, so that it is efficiently marinated and murdered at the same time. Then it is roasted and eaten whole.

Follow this exact same recipe, but instead of roasting, deep fry the birds and serve at your next Superbowl party.

Orangutan A L’orange 

You “can’t” buy orangutan meat. It is “illegal.” And it is certainly illegal to run a fine dining restaurant that serves a classy dish of orangutan in a delicious orange bigarade sauce. “Nobody” would do that, and “I” certainly couldn’t “hook you up” with that “sweet, sweet orangutan steak.”

Modest Proposal Hot Pockets

As a culinary intellectual I have read Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal For Preventing the Children of Poor People From being a Burthen to Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to the Publick. In his essay he posits that the children of the poor can be eaten by the wealthy. What a culinary luminary! Swift suggests the children be “serve[ed] in a fricassee, or a ragout.” I’d like to offer a modern twist on these recipes (or should I say an Oliver Twist). A gourmet Hot Pocket made from poor children is a snack food for the wealthy CEO on the go! This little kidnapé is the truffle of guilt-rich foods. Unfortunately I don’t have time to transcribe the recipe, as it sounds like there’s a bit of commotion outside my estate. The villagers must be getting restless again. Eat well, my fellow snack connoisseurs, I’m off to release the hounds!