Luis is a columnist for Cracked.com and an astral projection of an unfathomable being from across the universe.
It’s every naked yoga instructor’s worst nightmare: your class is nearing its end and not a single person’s genitals have swelled with sexual anticipation at the sight of all the beautiful naked bodies contorted into poses that let you see everything. Don’t panic. It’s perfectly normal to occasionally get stuck with a class of Hesitant […]
We are acupuncture diehards. We even have an on-site acupuncturist here in the Bunny Ears offices named Jennifer Chen (hi Jen!) ready to skewer our allergies away with a precise strike to our acupoints at the first sign of a runny nose. So we brought her into our usual Tuesday ayahuasca editorial meeting to pitch […]
It’s rumored that Sigmund Freud once said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” We get you, Sigmund. Trying to find deeper meaning in random things is a fool’s errand – unless you’re talking about healthy and delicious vegetables that will make you feel like you’re looking at Deepak Chopra. I know I’m not […]
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better to […]
It’s only been a week and already the local initiative to provide a fleet of free, easily accessible electric scooters to the public has me feeling like my car is an unnecessary extravagance. Why do I need all of that machinery to get to my buddy’s place up the street, or to run over random […]
My life is so hectic that I need all my nutrients crammed into me as efficiently as possible. That’s why I never leave the house before having my protein shake suppository inserted. I got so excited when my dog sitter’s doula told me about the wonders of Sujuk that I just needed to buy the […]
I had no intention of ever buying a scarf that retailed for $500 until Oprah Winfrey cyberbullied me to do so for weeks. It was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. Here’s how Oprah cyberbullied me. I had never spoken to Oprah and I never thought I would. You can only imagine […]
My son is an incredible cellist. He’s been getting full-ride scholarships from the likes of Julliard, the New England Conservatory, and the Yale School of Music since he was in 6th grade. He’s given private solo performances for 3 presidents, 2 crown princes, and a Duke. He was being showered with roses after playing Bach’s […]
I needed to lose some weight. The problem was I didn’t know where to start: Atkins, Keto, intermittent fasting—to name just a few. The more I researched, the more confused I got. Which is why I decided to try them all to figure out which works best for me and my body. And now I […]
When people find out I am host to a tapeworm and an Amazonian dick fish, they always ask the same questions: “What the fuck?” “Have you seen someone about that?” And finally, “do they get along?” The answers are, respectively, “please don’t swear around my tapeworm,” “of course not,” and a resounding “yes.” But it […]
Your annual Parent-Teacher Association potluck meetings are usually fraught with tension as parents and school faculty tussle to craft a wholesome learning environment while scarfing down microwaved potato skins. But with a little innocent subterfuge, a few crowd-pleasing recipes, and a bag full of ecstasy pills shaped like Spider-Man’s head, you can turn your stuffy […]
We get pretty excited around here when a new health and beauty trend sweeps the nation. It gives us the chance to write off excessive pampering sessions as a work expense. (You’ll never catch us, Uncle Sam!) Our latest obsession might sound a little dangerous at first, but trust us, it’s only very dangerous. This […]
A walk in the woods is good for more than finding a moment to reconnect with the natural world, so says Rodrigo Montoya, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, who advocates for regular reconnections with the outdoors as a means of stress relief. It’s not just his research that makes him […]
It sounds too simple to be true, but science has proven that people are never more mentally and physically fit than when they’re at home. They sleep better. They’re less anxious. They’re still flatulent, but their flatulence is devoid of sound and odor and gains a pleasant, visible tinge of fuchsia. But making a house […]
Giving Americans the opportunity to eat better for less wasn’t just a long-term professional goal—it was a spiritual mission, and it can be achieved through volunteer work or charitable donations. Or you could do like I did: Take a shortcut by buying out a health food grocery chain owned by my former college roommate, Chip […]
When you close your eyes, focus on your breathing, and find peace in the silence, you will inevitably find yourself fighting back the memory of that thing you did that time. That horrible, horrible thing. Without a bevy of distractions to keep the memory at bay, the look in their eyes as your victim slowly […]
Unhealthy food understands it’s our prey, so it releases toxic sugars and fats into our bodies as a self-defense mechanism when we eat. But it doesn’t have to be this way. For so long, diets have unfairly disparaged unhealthy food without taking a second to consider whether our cakes and fries would harm us if […]
When you’re on the run from the Securities and Exchange Commission after orchestrating a massive fraudulent initial coin offering of your cryptocurrency, Skankcoin, you’re not going to hide out in some shack in Montana where there are more deer than mojitos. You earned the nearly $1 billion those dumb crypto-bros gave you of their own […]
I used to be so disappointed when I saw myself in the mirror first thing in the morning. Did time, stress, sleeplessness, parenthood, and all of those speedballs I did in my twenties conspire to ruin the beauty that got me invited to all those secret ritualistic orgies? Yes. Yes, they had. But that all changed […]
Of his expedition to the summit of Mount Everest, legendary mountaineer Sir Edmund Hillary said, “It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.” His succinct words speak volumes about my own experiences. Like Edmund, I, too, have scaled Everest. I had my fears and limitations to conquer, of course, but there were deeper motivations. I […]
We get it. Rearranging your heavy furniture just to change things up isn’t enticing enough to waste a weekend afternoon. But what if we told you there was a way to arrange your couch, side tables, and even that bowl of potpourri in a way that will harmonize your home with the erotic frequencies of […]
