3 School Lunches Your Child’s Bully Will Love
Your weak, defenseless doe of a child will continue starving their way through their school days. Nothing short of booby-trapping the brown paper bag will dissuade your kid’s bully from snatching your handcrafted lunches. Honestly, might as well stop thinking about the peanut butter and jellies and ham and cheeses your kid likes and start thinking about what your kid’s bully might be in the mood for.
To craft a lunch your child’s bully will adore, you have to start by asking yourself a question: What do you know about the bully other than that, by stealing your kid’s ham sandwiches, he’s almost saved up enough lunch money to buy a knife?
Quick And Easy Spaghetti And Meatballs
We know that his dad travels a lot for work and his mom spends most of her days sleeping off hangovers, so the bully is used to eating a lot of Chef Boyardee canned pasta on his own in the dark. Let’s give him a quick and easy homemade spaghetti and meatballs that your child will give up without resistance.
Mix a half a pound of ground beef with Italian breadcrumbs, one egg, and a little salt and pepper. Roll into balls and bake in the oven on a greased sheet at 400 degrees for about 15–20 minutes. Prepare the pasta according to package directions and coat with a little bit of jarred marinara sauce. Spread room-temperature butter mixed with half a teaspoon of garlic powder on a slice of white bread. Toss in a few sliced kiwis, and you’ve got a lunch that will give the bully the energy he needs to stuff your child in a locker.
You’ve heard the bully likes to spray paint phallic imagery on a local Taco Bell’s Dumpster during his infamous destructive walkabouts that begin when school lets out and stretch deep into the night so he doesn’t have to face the loneliness of his home, so maybe cheesy quesadillas?
Melt shredded cheddar and Monterey Jack cheese between two small flour tortillas on an oiled pan over medium heat. Make two of these, then cut them into eight crispy, cheesy triangles. Hopefully, these will raise the bully’s blood sugar enough that he doesn’t feel inclined to add physical harm to the lunch robbery.
English Muffin Pizzas
Your child’s bully psychologically associates pizza with the peaceful vibes of reconciliation since his parents order him a pie after they get into one of their ugly arguments. Sooth the beast with a super-easy pizza made with English muffins, and let’s hope your child’s pathetic whimpering doesn’t irritate the bully more than it has to.
Spread about a tablespoon of pizza sauce on both halves of a sliced English muffin. Top one with cheese and pepperoni and the other only with cheese. Actually, you can top both with pepperoni since the bully doesn’t have a weird thing about wanting to taste pizza with and without “extraneous toppings.” God, your kid is exhausting. Pop the pizza muffins into a toaster oven to get the cheese nice and melty. We guarantee your kid’s bully will love these so much that he’ll remember to thank you the next time you find him setting fires in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
If your kid complains that you’re putting more effort into appeasing the bully’s palate than theirs, tell them that if they want these delicious lunches, they should consider growing some balls and fighting for them.