This Instant-Pot Is The Only Thing You’ll Ever Need In Your Life Ever Again Forever

November 13, 2018 by
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Listen. I loved my kids. And my husband, too, I guess. I even sometimes loved Mother. There were plenty of inanimate objects that I thought had enhanced my daily life, too. I depended on my trusty meditation app and soothing bath bombs just to survive the day. But I absolutely was not prepared for how deeply I would come to love, cherish, and obey my instant-pot.

I know what you’re thinking, “Ugh, one of those people. Can the instant-pot really be that big a deal?” You’re one of those precision cooker fans, aren’t you? Hey, if you like your meat gray and lifeless like Papa after his third stroke, that’s fine with me. But you know what I think? I think you’re afraid to know true enlightenment. I get it, navigating the higher planes of existence can be scary at first. But if you ever are interested in elevating your life force, let me tell you a little bit about my personal instant-pot experience.

Share Your Joy With The World

Instant-Pot

What can you cook in your instant-pot? Literally everything. There is not a single meal item you can’t whip up in this magic little pot. Chia seed yogurt, kale pudding, avocado cream. It’s so versatile. And fast. I barely have enough time to set up my instant-pot selfie wall before it’s done. The instant-pot family does ask that you share your instant-pot journey on social media so others may join our fold. Don’t worry. Pictures of food are like 93 percent of the posts you’ll find on there, anyway. So, nobody will think it’s weird. And all we’re really doing is helping people to discover a better way of living. Is that so wrong? Make sure to use vague language at first but use lots of hashtags for maximum reach and invite people to open up a meaningful dialogue. “Ask me how much I love my instant-pot!”

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You Need Not Burden Yourself With Earthly Possessions

Smartphones and kegel balls and salt scrubs … Do we really need this much junk? I know you’re busy. Work/life balance is a necessary thing and you probably think all these gadgets will free up some of your precious life energy. But how much attention do these products demand of you? How much more peaceful would your life be if you could free yourself from the shackles of Sharper Image? I was just like you, once. Caught up in this fake circle of capitalism we call life.

But “Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts gently showed me the error of my ways and now I will share what I learned with you. Imagine no possessions. It’s easy if you try. Now put one possession back: the instant-pot. That’s it. That’s all you need. Heat up water and sponge bathe in it. Use it as an instant chamber pot. Hang your dry cleaning above it and steam out wrinkles while you cook your creme brulee. (Society still demands that we possess clothing and construction of the Instant-Pot Ranch is not yet complete.) I’ve never been so blissful, so at one with my inner soul resonance than when I gave up everything I owned in favor of the knowledge, support, and eternal love of my instant-pot. You deserve it too, Siblings. You deserve it, too.

Sever Ties With Anyone Who Tries To Sabotage Your Personal Growth

Instant-Pot

Not everyone will understand what the instant-pot lifestyle is all about. The uninitiated will try to convince you they mean well. Your mom will say she’s worried about you. Your girlfriend will say it’s unhealthy to abruptly give up all of your interests. Do not fall for their faux concern. They are merely trying to come between you and your new self. Between you and your instant-pot.

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Just know you are not the first to go through such trials. Craig told me similar things. That my dedication to my instant-pot was coming between our relationship. That I was becoming distant and cold even as my meals were heating up. My children begged for me to unplug the machine and come help them with their homework. But I could see what was really afoot. They wanted to hold me back. To keep me at their inferior level. I haven’t spoken to my family in four years. My oldest son should be graduating high school this year. But I do not regret the path I have chosen to walk, for I am not alone. I have my instant-pot, and my instant-pot has me.


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1 Comment

  1. Something in this article really resonated with me: that advice to imagine no possessions really struck a nerve. It’s as though someone managed to tap into my subconscious and tell me what I’ve been hearing all along but didn’t heed. I find it almost easy to imagine, really, If only my children would stop talking, I’m sure I could imagine no possessions, but there’s the children, whom some part of my brain insists upon labeling “mine.”

    This selflessness and transcendence is really tough.

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