Recipes For Cooking And Serving Your Weakest Pokémon
So you have two problems. First of all, congratulations on just having the two, you son of a bitch. So you have two problems: No plans for the big family dinner, and an abundance of just terrible Pokémon. Literally just the worst.
Now you may consider trading them all to the Professor for goodies, but what if I told you about solving one problem with the other? What could that be, you wonder. I hope this isn’t another article about eating Pokemon.
Yes, this is an article about eating Pokemon.
Pokemon For Dinner?
Why would I want to eat my weakest Pokemon rather than the strongest, you may wonder. But just think about it for a second. All the stress and exercise from training could make the meat (or whatever a Jigglypuff is made of) gamey, bitter, and worst of all stringy. Lazy Pokemon (like certain relatives; you know who) just out there living their lives without a care for the gritty reality of their pit-fighting compatriots are going to be soft, succulent, and melt-in-your-mouth delicious.
Yes, I’ve thought a lot about this. My family life growing up was … not great, so when I was a kid family gatherings were a dreaded occasion. The fights, the insults, the drunken vows to make sure every other one of you sonsabitches gets what’s coming to you. Upturned platters of food, painstakingly prepared table settings disrupted. So many traumatic instances layered on top of each other until only the thought of devouring countless innocent creatures with dewy anime eyes might be the one way left to feel anything.
Anyway.
Common sense would imply going for Pokemon that most-resemble animal types you may be more familiar with eating, but c’mon let’s get creative! Perhaps you want a more traditional table setting to build around. In that case, you would want your centerpiece to be a bird-type like Pidgeot or Fearow, but lemme blow your mind for a second: Pidgeotto, stuffed into a Psyduck, stuffed into a Fearow! Just turducken the crap out of that mess.
Magikarps aren’t edible but imagine the filets you can carve off of a Seaking. Boil up a Krabby, or even a low-performing Kingler if you’re expecting a lot of company. Half-Shellders with butter and hot sauce. All sorts of side-dish opportunities that even my jackass great-uncle couldn’t complain about. God, I’m glad he’s dead.
And who says you have to eat fully grown Pokémon? Wouldn’t it be great if you could quickly and easily dispose of all those near-worthless 2km eggs you trudge through to get 7km and 10km eggs? Boil them, and with a little mustard, mayo, and paprika you got Deviled Eggs that could be the size of a football! You are going to have a lot of leftovers. None for those cousins that consistently “forget” to bring a dish, however.
Now Let’s Get WEIRD
One Bulb from a Bulbasaur, with diced Oddish, Bellsprout, Sunkern and Bayleef fronds. Boiled Tangela with meatballs. Smother it all with cheese and stuff all of that into a Weepingbell like a Horn of Plenty. How’s that for a centerpiece, MOM AND DAD? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIVORCE AND MOVE? I WAS JUST STARTING TO MAKE FRIENDS!
Make Avian Bread out of Spearows. Throw a Jigglypuff and a Ditto into a blender. Serve whatever comes out with whipped cream on the top! How about a Cactaur pie? What’s a Weedle or a Rattata taste like? Murder them and find out! Deep fry a Lotad and use it as an edible taco bowl!
Just take out all those terrible, deadbeat Pokémon that do nothing but waste space! Throw a bunch of random ones in a bag, smack the bag against the wall and
[Editor’s Note: It just goes on and on like this, getting increasingly gruesome.]
Images: Pokemon USA, Bulbapedia, Bulbapedia
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I’m slightly disappointed that this didn’t get into the more humanoid pokemon. Y’know, Mr. Mime and Smeargle.
Or especially hard-to-eat rock and electric types, like Magnemite.
That said, we all know we’re gonna be stuck with Grimer no matter what we do