Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.
My New Year’s Resolution Is To Shove My Son Back Up In There
I gave birth to him, and I can un-give it.
I Will Passionately Defend My Middle School Whispstache
Hello, concerned adults and classmates! I’m a man now. I’m sorry you feel so threatened by this that you need to pretend your problem is with my beautiful lip fringe. Being a man means I can wear the same underwear for two weeks, shout horrible slurs playing PUBG, and start rumors about Anya using special-order jumbo […]
You Can Have My Safe Word BUT FIRST LET’S DISCUSS CASPER MATTRESS
This is a story of a sweet, innocent young woman letting go, embracing her kinky side, and learning to reconcile those two facets of her personality. I was a sexually inexperienced grad student when I first met “Dan,” an interior designer whose taste in decor was pretty standard, but whose sexual proclivities were anything but […]
Bunny Ears Essentials: Abiogenesis
Welcome to Bunny Ears Essentials! Today, our topic is abiogenesis, the origin of life in the form of simple organic compounds that arise from inorganic or non-living substances. Abiogenesis likely occurred over 3.5 billion years ago on Earth. (Don’t come at us with your panspermia hypothesis bullshit!) But don’t be fooled by how long it’s been—abiogenesis […]
It’s Me, The Guy At This Party Who Will Definitely Try To Crack Your Back!
I know you’re just minding your own business, and as a grown up, you probably don’t want to be lifted off the ground. But let me crack your back. Please.
How To Talk About Polyamory Until No One Wants To Fuck You
Don’t even introduce yourself.
Fetish Of The Month: Constant, Laborious Dedication To Getting Me Off
It takes both time and commitment to get me anywhere even close to an orgasm.
I Said ‘Yes’ To Everything For A Day And It Was Horrifying
As a woman in 2019, I do not recommend.
I Tried The ‘Link’s Awakening’ Reboot And The Chickens Have Unionized
It’s really the only major change.
I Put A Stink Bomb In The Truck Near The S.S. Anne And You Missed It!
You never looked inside! Dumb!
The Most Obnoxious Ways To Come Out As Sapiosexual
Some self-described Sapiosexuals are pansexual and pretentious, but others are just pretentious. You’re smart, you fuck smart, and everyone should know it.