The Best Life Insurance For Your Soon-To-Be-Dead Husband
For whatever reason, you already know your healthy fucking son-of-a-bitch husband is about to die from mysterious causes. You just know his time is coming. We’re not going to ask too many questions. Maybe he knows it, too, because he’s been leaving his goddamn hair in the sink again. Anyway, how do you turn your loss of a spouse into monetary gain? Life insurance! Life insurance policies are essential for every healthy, married, soon-to-be-dead man. But which policy should you choose? There are so many choices! The key is a principle I made up. I want my name on it. It’s called the Michels Principle.
The Michels Principle
The Michels Principle states that the best life insurance policies are mid-range policies based upon your lifestyle. Basically, you want to choose a policy that allows you to redeem the most money without arousing too much suspicion about the fact that your husband has suddenly died.
A little suspicion is normal. After all, your healthy, risk-averse husband will be mysteriously dead, and the first suspect in these cases is always the wife. Trust me. But if that suspicion isn’t enough to cause any disruption of your lifestyle, you’re good (and rich)! Look into policies that result in moderate sums, considering your husband’s health, age, job, and your joint income. Any policy that causes a life insurer to raise their eyebrows—or worse, call their supervisor—is a no-no. Don’t bother with any policy whose selling point is increased yields over time. You don’t have all day.
The fact is that husband death just isn’t as profitable as it used to be. Just listen to any true crime podcast or watch any TV crime dramatization series, and you’ll see what I mean. Husband death used to be a goldmine. Now, you’re lucky to get a yacht for your new husband. The good news is that remarrying like that used to be looked upon with scorn, and now, it isn’t! You can always marry a new soon-to-be-dead husband after collecting your insurance payout on the old soon-to-be-dead husband. The Michels Principle is applicable to multiple spouses; you just have to incrementally decrease your gains and therefore others’ suspicion.
Other Factors To Consider
There are lots of other factors to consider that are not on this chart. Let’s say your otherwise sturdy husband is prone to accidents, or you just describe him as “accident-prone” a bunch of times before he dies. That will decrease suspicion, especially if you begin chastising your “clumsy” husband before you even purchase any life insurance. Or maybe you’re the one who cooks, and you just happen to enjoy making unhealthy food. When others inquire about your husband’s death, you can mumble something about his heart. Make it sound medical, with lots of science words. His perioflanges were clogged. Stuff like that. Say that.
You might be wondering why you need to work so hard to eliminate any suspicion surrounding your husband’s death, but if you’re asking questions like that, you shouldn’t be reading this article. You need my one-day intensive seminar where I come to your house, disconnect the power lines, and give you a nice, private lecture, you clumsy, accident-prone person.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…