I Only Eat Eggs If The Chicken Came

January 10, 2020 by , featured in Lifestyle
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We all have different ideas about what constitutes “healthy” food. And I happen to feel my healthiest when I’m chowing down on a big ol’ egg with full knowledge that the chicken had an orgasm. After all, eggs MUST be healthier if the chicken is happy, right?

My Diet Is Just as Valid as Science Because I Don’t Understand Science

A veterinarian friend once tried to explain to me that eggs are more like chicken periods and that chickens probably don’t orgasm at all. I refuse to believe that. So I don’t. Also, I am too disgusted by the concept of “chicken periods” to understand what she meant. You know what’s not disgusting? Chicken orgasms. So I began hunting down locally-sourced, cruelty-free cum eggs.

I Have to Scare a Lot of Farmers

In order to get cruelty-free cum eggs, you need to talk to the farmer directly, because most grocery store chains haven’t made the effort to put a “USDA Inspected Orgasm” label on their eggs. If—as happened with me—the farmer chases you away, you could also get a chicken yourself and figure … that out. Or two chickens if they haven’t invented vibrators for chickens yet (sexists!).

This One Guy Finally Guaranteed Fresh Cum Eggs

After a long, painstaking search, I finally got this one guy at the farmer’s market to guarantee me fresh orgasm eggs every week. We sealed the agreement with a verbal contract and a sweaty handshake. The cum eggs are $10,000 a carton, but quality, ethical products are never cheap. I’m sure it all goes to chicken welfare. I don’t know. I DO know that when I started buying eggs from this dude, he got a hover board and a new Lexus. But from what I understand, farming life is very lucrative. And I can relax knowing my eggs came from very happy chickens.

Images: Pexels/ Pexels

 


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