No, The Hole In The Ozone Isn’t For Fucking

Our planet is in need of healing, but—and we can’t believe we actually have to clarify this—not of the sexual variety, you pervs. A growing, misguided movement in the conservation community involves guys wanting to keep the hole in the ozone open so that they can fuck Mother Earth.

“I saw a drawing of Mother Nature. I can’t believe more people aren’t talking about this, but … she’s a total babe, bro,” said “activist” Carter Spencer, a self-identified soy fuck boi.

“I don’t know how anyone could think the world is flat, because there ain’t nothing flat about her tig ol’ bitties, know what I’m saying?”

Spencer then held up his hand, indicating he wanted a high five. After 30 excruciatingly awkward seconds filled with unwavering eye contact, he realized he wouldn’t get one from us and tried playing it off like he only stuck his arm up to point at the sky.

“Did you know there’s a gaping hole in the ozone layer?” he continued. “It’s super hot. Literally. But scientists are trying to figure out ways to shut it. Typical nerds, ammirite? I know a lot of dudes would prefer a tighter lay, but I’m not afraid of a chick with some miles on her.”

We tried explaining to Spencer that if that hole isn’t filled then all life on Earth will perish. He responded by making a circle with his left hand and sticking his right index finger in and out of it while winking and wagging his tongue.

“Oh, I’ll fill that hole, all right. Did you know that hole is making Mother Earth’s water levels rise? She’s getting wetter, man! Total horny MILF. Woo!”

Spencer and his peers are advocating that people do whatever they can to make sure that hole stays open and—as they put it—“ready for business.” We’d again like to remind our readers that the opening in our atmosphere is a grave threat to marine life—and all of Earth’s creatures at large.

Spencer responded to this by saying, “I’m also a threat to marine life … because I’m always pounding that tuna. Yeah! And people keep telling me that it isn’t even possible to bone the ozone since it’s several dozen miles in the air. Well, don’t worry, ladies. Because the Spence Man wants to be clear that he has noooo problem getting his rocket up.”

Image: Pexels