Buy All The Baggy Pants You’ll Need In 20 Years In Bulk Now
Fashion is cyclical. What used to be popular decades ago will be popular again. (Get ready for powdered wigs and not showering!) That’s why it’s crucial that you buy all the baggy pants you’ll need in 20 years in bulk now so you’re ready when they become popular again. Don’t think baggy pants could ever possibly make a comeback? Think again.
You can hide food in them
According to our trendologists, the future is all about hoarding food. Also, hunting food. And scavenging food. Future trends will be very food-centric. You’re gonna need roomy pants that can hold hunting weapons, cooking tools, and the world’s last moose. Whoever catches and eats the last moose will be the most likely to survive and therefore the trendiest and most fashionable.
Wound and weakness concealment
In the future, it’s going to be super uncool to be perceived as the weakest member of a herd. (Also, humans will travel in herds.) Full-coverage clothes will ensure that all your battle scars and limps are hidden from view so nobody from a rival herd tries to hunt you down and use your bones for fuel. What a fashion faux pas that would be!
You can hide fire in them
Just like Pogs and platform jellies, fire will soon make a comeback as a trendy commodity! But fire technology, like rad slammers, will be hard to come by. That’s why it’s going to be very important to set fires and then hide them in your pants. You remember how roomy JNCOs were, right? You definitely won’t get burned if you hide a lit fire in those.
Pants will be the last thing that separates humans from other animals
Pants are a human clothing staple worldwide, and they will never go out of style. At least, not until humanity goes out of style. Until then, pants will make you feel like a person again while you’re fighting off rivals over who gets the last use of the bathroom pit. (Side note: You’re going to want to cut a hole in the pants so you can use the bathroom pit.)
You can hide children in them
As birth rates plummet, children will be what separates upscale trendsetters from the masses. You’re going to want to guard those children, because they will be the ultimate accessory. The baggy pants you loved in the ’90s can probably hold up to three children, four if they are malnourished because you already ate the last moose.
Also, get ready for wallet chains to be cool again
Wallet chains will help you swing your super fashionable fire and knives over your head as a warning to others that you will do whatever it takes to survive. Chic! (Note: While wallet chains will make a comeback, the concept of money will definitely die out. Buy wallet chains in bulk now while you can still purchase them with clean, painless money, but feel free to toss the wallets.)
If you click these Amazon links and buy baggy pants now before you’ll need them, we get some money (which we will spend immediately before it is useless)!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…