2018’s hottest Trend: The Year 1623
Moustaches? Vegans? Those weird penny-farthing bicycles? Are these some of the images that pop into your mind when you think of a “hipster”? In the past you may have been correct, but I have spent some time in the field recently, and am here to report that America’s “coolest” are now throwing away their bowler hats and enamel pins for a new lifestyle trend that is sweeping the hippest enclaves of 2018 life; the year 1623.
What will fashion-forward ladies be sporting in the fall? Capris? Pastels? Rompers? Not this season; the hottest fashion trend on its way up from the underground are bodices worn with a matching petticoat (of course, pinned into flounces on a cartwheel farthingale) just like scenester maven Anne of Denmark the Electress of Saxony was wont to wear. Also very in this year; lace cuffs tinted with a yellow starch. Slay, queen; slay!
It’s not just the fairer sex that is turning an eye backwards for a lesson in style- black patterned doublets are all the rage and no sophisticated gent would go without flowers in their boots (Peonies are particularly popular.) And don’t get me started on head wear! Say goodbye to Trucker hats and newsboy caps; if you really want to dress to impress in 2018, get a Capotain- a tall conical crown rounded at the top with a narrow brim, guaranteed to leave them asking “Who was that handsome man in that Capotain?” Guess what; it was you!
Fashion isn’t the only facet of modern life that’s getting the 17th-century treatment; foodies across the nation have turned a blind eye to Poke and Avocado Toast and are enjoying some culinary fare from a time gone by. One can’t walk a city block in say, Brooklyn or Silverlake California without passing by at least one Pottage’ery. That’s right; Pottage- everyone’s favorite thick stew with boiled vegetables, mutton and grain! And judging by the upswing of Pottage selfies across social media, it doesn’t seem like this delicious trend is going anywhere anytime soon!
Forget facials and hot-yoga; discerning 20 somethings are embracing the “come what may” lifestyle of the 1623 and letting life play itself out, without the intervention of “Big Pharma.” Yes; a particularly virulent strain of syphilis is on the rise (as well as those pesky Body Lice,) but it shouldn’t be anything that a course of leeches or a simple, in-patient trepanning procedure shouldn’t fix right away. And these kids are forward thinkers; for years we’ve been trying to tackle the “plastic water bottle” scourge – and they did! They don’t drink water! Ever! Only small-beer and elderberry totties for these millennials! And I’ll have what they’re having!
Kabbalah? Scientology? Snooze, grandma – today’s hottest spiritual uptrend is Puritanism! What’s more 2018 than a worldview rooted in family, marriage, salvation and the belief in literal demons that could steal your soul and inhabit your body? And if you’re not convinced that being part of the landed gentry is the spiritual path for you, did I forget to mention that among their ranks, Puritans list heavy hitters and dreamboats Oliver Cromwell, John Endecott and John Winthrop who dropped the HOTTEST sermon ( “A Model of Christian Clarity”) at the Massachusetts Bay Colony! Fire.
Take it from me; I pay attention. Turn off your cellphones, log-out of Netflix, disconnect all of your electrical appliances, throw out your toothbrush, rub dirt on yourself, forget like 90% of what you know, become REAL superstitious, get super into the 30-years war, give it up for Pope Urban VIII (he’s so dope), get afraid of the sky and get ready to be your best you… 1623 style.
*Dictated to a local simpleton, who transcribed this onto a sheet of vellum, using a goose-feather quill and genuine squid ink*
IMAGES: By Shakko – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0