Transform Your Body By Getting Into This Machine And Not Asking Any Questions
Have you ever looked at your human body and thought “Ew, this lumbering carcass that encases my intellect is much too large and bothersome”? Well, with my revolutionary three-step method, you’ll see the pounds melt away in just three minutes. Many advertisers promise to give you less body quickly and with minimal effort, but no […]
I’m A Furry: Is Breastfeeding My Baby Still Vegan?
Being ethical can be tricky. On the one hand, I think consuming any product (including milk) made from the labor or bodies of animals is immoral. And on the other hoof, part of my lifestyle is dressing up as my fursona, a pink cow named “Moonica.” And therein lies the rub: can I breastfeed my […]
This New Form of OxyContin is Truly Better Than Sex
As busy mom and business owner, I often need a pick me up throughout the day. Most of the time, this comes in the form of the pearl-infused matcha latte at the corner shop, but some days, the creamy green goodness just isn’t working. Thankfully, around three months ago, I found a vice that really […]
Goddess Problems: When The Pegasus You Summoned Is Kind Of A Dick
Sometimes your pegasus is a god damn pegadick.
Grow Your Pubes Now For This Year’s Coziest Winter Blanket—Here’s How
Use your pubes as nature intended!
Simple Tricks To Make Their Funeral All About You
When someone you care about dies, it’s vital to keep the focus on what really matters: YOU!
How Many Lemons Is Too Many Lemons When It Comes To Stuffing Your Butt Hole?
We know you’re probably sick of reading lemon-stuffing articles. Almost every lifestyle blog has been pumping these out like, well, butt lemons. But we promise this definitive guide to lemon stuffing will be the last article you ever have to read about stuffing lemons up your butt! Bunny Ears has your back (which will soon […]
Mother’s Day Gift Ideas For People You’ve Accidentally Called ‘Mom’
Mother’s Day shouldn’t just be about the woman who actually gave birth to you. What’s wrong with honoring all the people you accidentally called “Mom?”
Breezy Morse Code For Slipping into His DMs Before The Storm A-Comes
Ahoy, there, mateys! If you’ve got your spyglass trained on a rough-handed mariner, this article is for you. But don’t wait too long! We just saw a red sky this morning, although we probably would have called the color “Cape Cod cranberry” or “peasant blood.” You better get a-tapping before the waters get choppier than […]
How To Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Doula Without Alienating Your Life Coach
Having a baby changes everything, from your bladder function to your spiritual needs. You know you won’t get through it without your doula, but now your life coach, who’s been by your side from your wild single days right through to your socioeconomically appropriate marriage, feels left out. How do you keep the most important […]
The Beginner’s Guide to Keeping a Lobster Alive for One Week to Win $20
Why You’re Keeping a Lobster Alive Look, it happens to every small-business owner. Your friend starts making fun of your organic luxury pet product company, you defend it with some slightly exaggerated claims, your friend calls you on your bluff, you refuse to back down, a slightly ridiculous bet is suggested, and by the time […]
If You Love Your Daughter, You Will Hire A Menstrual Coach
This article has been sponsored by the Association of Accredited Menstrual Coaches. The road to womanhood can be a terrifying and perilous journey. If you want your daughter to survive menarche with her fragile adolescent mind in tact, you must hire a menstrual coach. What are menstrual coaches? They’re an organization of professionals licensed to […]
Contact High: Pretending You Like Weed To Be Cool Around Other People…
Look. Not everyone still likes weed, okay? Just because now you are in your mid-thirties and no longer enjoy feeling like you’re going to fall out of a window and directly into a police cell every time you take a single puff off someone’s “totally mellow, home-grown” joint, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. […]
Enjoy This Text-Only, Audio-Free ASMR Experience by Daniel O’Brien
Hello, my name is Daniel O’Brien. I am an author, comedian, and aspiring boat captain, and I work with Bunny Ears to make your life better. ASMR, or Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, refers to the tingly, relaxing sensation some people get from specific audio cues, like soft whispering or tapping. There are currently thousands […]
How To Not Look Too Rich While Traveling In A Foreign Country
So you’re interested in traveling in a foreign country —specifically a developing nation—but you’re afraid your MacBook and designer jeans might make you stand out just a tad too much? Have no fear, for we know exactly what to do to temporarily poor-ify your digs and make you blend in like a precious upper-middle-class baby […]
Holiday Party Idea: Pushing Over Children At The Skating Rink
We need a fun and competitive blood sport that combines hockey with a dash of child abuse.
Old-Timey Car Horn Sounds To Make During A Breast Exam
A simple AYOOGA or BLEEP BLEEP can make all the difference.
I Only Ate Kid Cuisine For A Week And This Is What Happened
For centuries, man has searched for the answer to eternal youth … and now some Croatian Pilates instructor has found it! Apparently, the key to defying the natural aging process is none other than a coveted culinary sensation that took the ‘90s by storm. That’s right: Kid Cuisine. Like the boundary-pushing trendsetter that I am, […]
My Superfood Diet Has Made Me Immeasurably Powerful, And I’m Not Ready For The Responsibility
It started harmlessly enough. I’d gained a bit of winter weight, and I decided to kick my diet up a notch in the hopes of getting my abs back before #beachseason. I decided I’d cut out sugars, cut down on carbs. More leafy greens, more protein, more exercise. It was simple stuff. At first. As […]
Bunny Ears Staff Advice Column: HOBBIES
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the third ever Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now … ] Q – Kelly Wallace-Barnhill I have taken on so many projects and have so much to get done that […]
Beautiful Inspirational Quotes That Will Definitely Piss Off The Person You’re Directing Them At
It can be hard to express your true feelings. That’s why inspirational quotes are so great! Why think of something poignant yourself when you could just use Google? When it’s hard for me to find the words I need all I have to do is turn to Instagram where I can find exactly what I […]
Cultures You Can Safely Appropriate Because They Don’t Have Internet
It’s hard to not want to dress in the styles of other cultures, especially when you were born into something as boring as white! But romanticizing the aesthetics of a world you weren’t raised in, yet very much respect purely for fashion’s sake, can no longer be done without accusations of cultural appropriation. So thank […]
Summer Staples We Don’t Recommend You Stick Up Your Butt (This Time)
We’re saying ‘yes’ to summer and ‘no more’ to your lawsuits!
Why I Planned My Best Friend’s Bachelorette Party in Vegas
As the maid of honor at your best friend’s wedding, your duties vary, but one of the most important ones is planning the bachelorette party. So when Summer asked me to be her MOH (maid of honor, duh), I was psyched. We’ve been friends for years. We’re like sisters. You know how it is; the […]
Dating Tips For Ensuring They Don’t Find Your Box Of Fake Security Badges
The last thing an on-the-market millennial needs is for that new special someone to stumble upon your embarrassing collection of scattered fake security badges and hospital IDs. Cringe!
What I Learned Locking Myself Into A KFC Overnight In Protest
We must hold KFC accountable for their crimes against nature and their unlawful abuse against innocent chickens. As part protest part art demonstration, I decided to lock myself inside of a vacant KFC overnight and do some savvy sleuthing to get to the bottom of this Kentucky fried nightmare. 4. “11 Herbs and Spices” is […]
Spa Treatments Perfect For After Long Days Of Sexual Harassment
Scrub off dead skin cells AND all those disgusting comments you heard today.
BBQ Recipes So Good You’ll Go ”I’m so sorry about slavery.”
Finger licking good. Also, really really sorry about slavery.
I No Longer Believe In Cage-Free Zoos Now That My Family Is Dead
The hyena ambush really sealed the deal.
***—FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—*** Bunnyears.com Has Parted Ways With Our Resident Fact-Checker
***—FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—*** Bunnyears.com We at Bunny Ears are announcing the departure of our fact-checker, Thurston Greaydon James Ned Wulfric III, effective immediately. This decision is mutual-ish and we will include a short statement from Thurston in this release. Thurston has been with us for eight months, fact-checking and testing everything from Ranch Cleanses to Pickled […]
I Didn’t Vaccinate My Kid Because You Know Who Loves Needles? Junkies
One taste of that needle now, and they’ll be hooked for life.
What’s All This Then: Bunny Ears Determines That Free Will Is A Lie
Bunny Ears knows that your quest for spiritual wellness takes many forms. During the day you may just need to know how much flaxseed to add to your oatmeal to get you through that staff meeting. But at night you’re haunted by bigger questions: Why are we here? Where are we going? Or, as we […]
Tips For Making Your Home Feel Less Like A Place Where People Get Murdered
Inviting a new person into your home can be stressful, especially if you’re planning to murder that person. It’s crucial for your home to say to the world, “Come in, get comfy, expose your jugular, maybe take a nap.” It can be difficult to make your home feel less like a place where people get […]
Way Too Formal Breakfasts For After Casual Sex
I have always considered myself a sex-positive woman. I have needs, and I’m not afraid to admit it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t treat my (extremely casual, no strings-attached) partner, Liam, with dignity and kindness. We might not be a couple (which again, I’m 100% okay with), but I don’t ever want him to […]
My Three Days On The Ranch Dressing Cleanse