The Beginner’s Guide To Fostering 2,300 Refugee Children
So, you just adopted 2,300 refugee children who have been recently separated from their families either after their parents crossed the United States’s southern border illegally or attempted to legally apply for asylum and were detained regardless. It doesn’t matter—the point is that now you’ve really got your hands full! 1. FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATE […]
Do I Still Have To Have My Dick Out For Harambe?
Hey, so, this is kind of a weird question, but do I still have to have my dick out for Harambe? I’ve had it out all this time, but is that a thing we’re all still doing? Or did we accomplish … uh, whatever it was we were trying to accomplish? It was awareness for […]
We Held A Gender Reveal Party To Reveal Gender Is A Social Construct But We Still Kept All The Presents
My husband and I decided to throw a gender reveal party to reveal to our unwoke friends and family that gender is just a social construct. At first they were pretty confused when the gender reveal trebuchet flung only hunks of raw chicken instead of the pink or blue confetti they were promised. When I […]
Dear Goop, We Have Your Therapist. If You Want Him Back Give Us Your Best Summer Skincare Products
Dear Goop.com: We have your therapist. He is in the Bunny Ears warehouse, breathing and meditating normally. He is healthy and spiritually aligned. We’re guessing you want him to stay that way. If you want your therapist returned safely please give us your Top 10 Summer Skin Care Product Recommendations. We’re not messing around […]
Mack Answers Your Dumb Questions: ‘Have You Ever Had A Major Premonition?’
Spoiler: He has. And it was epic.
Snackchat: Eat Healthier By Talking Food Into Being Less Fatty
Unhealthy food understands it’s our prey, so it releases toxic sugars and fats into our bodies as a self-defense mechanism when we eat. But it doesn’t have to be this way. For so long, diets have unfairly disparaged unhealthy food without taking a second to consider whether our cakes and fries would harm us if […]
How To Navigate Your First Date To the Bedroom By Bringing Up Your Dead Friend
First dates are hard to navigate. When you step out of your uber into the unknown of a first date, your greatest hope is the chemistry will be electric and things heat up, like the curling iron you can’t remember if you turned off or not. Once you two lock eyes, you immediately feel a pull like your […]
Are You Really A Psychic Medium? Find Out Right Now!
Most Americans are boring, ordinary muggles with a tragic inability to do anything cool like talk to dead people, move things with their mind, or recognize how funny I am on Twitter. However, a tiny fraction of us have “the gift.” You might have the gift already and not even know it. All you need now […]
I Used A Babypod And Now My Baby Looks Just Like The Lead Singer Of Smash Mouth And It’s Definitely Because Of The Babypod And For No Other Reason
Dear Babypod, I would like to file a complaint about your product. When I first heard about your speaker, which I could easily insert into my vagina and use to play music for my baby, I was very excited. This device was perfect for introducing my baby to my favorite band, Smash Mouth. At least […]
Contour Your Cat’s Nipples So They’re Less Disgusting
Regardless of their sex, your cat can have anywhere from 4 to 10 nipples, because God hates cat owners and wants to punish us. They’re horrifying, and they love showing them off like common whores. I’ve been to every vet in Los Angeles County and they all refused to remove my cat’s unsightly nipples, so […]
Lavish Vacation Spots To Visit When You’re On The Run From The Securities and Exchange Commission
When you’re on the run from the Securities and Exchange Commission after orchestrating a massive fraudulent initial coin offering of your cryptocurrency, Skankcoin, you’re not going to hide out in some shack in Montana where there are more deer than mojitos. You earned the nearly $1 billion those dumb crypto-bros gave you of their own […]
Extremely Local Eating: Steal From Your Neighbor’s Garden
Eating locally is an important way to make sure everyone knows you care about the environment and also don’t need to eat cheap Mexican fruit. Of course, the best way to do that is to cultivate your very own vegetable garden. It doesn’t get much more local than right outside your artfully decorated terrace. The […]
Get Fit By Being Constantly On the Run From Your Future Self
For some people, health scares, tragedies, or life-changing experiences are the last straw before we take the initiative to better our personal health. However, the rest of us all know that the key to living healthier than ever is paved with the fear of assassination from your evil future self. Whether they’re trying to take […]
I Lived Off Food Stamps For A Week And Now I’m Spearheading A Communist Revolution
Did you know that an estimated 42.6 million Americans are on food stamps? That’s crazy, right? We often ignore the struggles of this significant segment of American society, so I decided to live on the budget of an average food stamp-recipient for one whole week. My assumption was that, by living like a poor person […]
How To Use Blackmail To Secure Your Toddler’s Spot In A Prestigious Private Preschool
For better or worse, a college degree is no longer enough to ensure your child’s success. When 300 other job applicants all have the same Computer Engineering degrees, only your child’s exclusive early education experience (aka, private preschool) will give him or her the upper hand over the rest of those nerds. Unfortunately, the snobs […]
How To Feng Shui Your Panic Room
The spiritual flow of your house is one of the most important factors in achieving a zen-like state of personal equilibrium wherein you will permanently be better than all of your friends and they will know this truth but never speak it aloud for fear of being struck down by a beam of pure rapturous […]
I Thought I Was Detoxing But It Was Actually Sepsis
I haven’t exactly been feeling my best lately – low energy, dull skin tone, regular menstruation, etc. All the signs that a good old-fashioned cleanse was in order. To celebrate, I went over to my tattoo artist’s house and got myself some new ink made from only the finest all-natural organic vegetable oils and flower […]
Bungee Cord Bikinis Anyone Can Wear, Whether You’re An Instagram Model Or A Nissan Cube
To end stressful and frustrating swimsuit shopping this year, we have narrowed down your options to the most stylish swimsuit on the market, the bungee cord bikini. From curvier frames to athletic body types, we’re helping to make sense of your endless swimwear options and will help pick the best ones to flatter your frame. It doesn’t matter if […]
What Is This? Is This Blood? Whose Blood Is This?
Guys. Stop everything. There’s blood on the floor. I’m pretty sure this is blood. The Bunny Ears LA office has blood in it right now. Everybody stop meditating and ear candling! Look at this! Somebody claim your blood! Stop typing what I’m saying, Shawn, stop typing and explain this blood. Maybe this is prop blood. WHOSE […]
This Isn’t A Sponsored Article Touting The Benefits of Wellman’s Unfiltered Stillwater Algae Night Cream
I used to be so disappointed when I saw myself in the mirror first thing in the morning. Did time, stress, sleeplessness, parenthood, and all of those speedballs I did in my twenties conspire to ruin the beauty that got me invited to all those secret ritualistic orgies? Yes. Yes, they had. But that all changed […]
Dog Yoga + Human Butt Sniffing: Bonding With Man’s Best Friend
You think about your dog. Of course you do. Their cute little button nose. Their thin yet powerful haunches. But do you actually think about your dog? No one else is there for you like your pupper is. Nobody else lights up when you enter the room after being gone for just five damn minutes. […]
The Ultimate Green Diet: Eat Your Waste For A Slimmer Waist!
As the resident environmentalist at Bunny Ears, it should be no surprise to anyone that I’m absolutely disgusted by everyone and everything. From the wasteful scourge that loves to punish Mother Earth with their repugnant, neverending consumption to the phonies who think that recycling plastics and buying hybrids make them eco-friendly, I’ve been on my […]
A Few Ways To Break-Up With Someone Who Won’t Take No For An Answer
They say breaking up is hard to do, but it’s immensely harder if your significant other won’t allow it. You say “We’re over,” they say “Sushi for dinner?” You say, “Sure, I’m starved,” and round and round you go. But don’t lose hope. You don’t have to stay stuck in this relationship until death do […]
Heeeeeeyyyyy, Gurrrlll!! Wanna Be A #BossBabe Like Me?
Heyyyyy Gurrrllll !!! <3 <3 😀 😀 I know we haven’t talked in a hot minute (since like high school, right? CRAZY!). Anyway, how are you? I’m just #bossbabe-ing it up! Do you have a second? I want to tell you about my #personal #journey. Well you know after high school I got my marketing […]
A More Modern Memento: Going HAM Online With Short Term Memory Loss!
What site is this? The blue header … It looks like Facebook. Wait … Doesn’t Twitter sometimes have a blue header? My God, what if I’ve taken a left turn and stumbled into Tumblr territory? My name is Ken Hanley, and I suffer from short-term memory loss as a result of a vicious assault by […]
Unconscious Uncoupling: Your Guide To A Pain-Free, One-Sided, Secret Divorce
Much has been made of Bunny Ears hero Gwyneth Paltrow’s decision to “consciously uncouple” from ex-husband Chris Martin, a process that entails mindfully and sensitively detaching from your spouse. That might be fine for Gwynny (we get to call her Gwynny, you should absolutely not call her Gwynny), but what if you’re just, like, really […]
How To Cook The Perfect Salmon Depending On Your Zodiac Sign
The Zodiac guides us through challenges in life. The stars are as wise as they are numerous, and strongly advise which recipes you should use to prepare salmon! Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Those who fall under the sign of Aries are teeming with chaotic energy. Mars, god of war, compels you to seek […]
I Unplugged For Two And A Half Hours And Now I’m An Objectively Better Person Than You
I was like you, once. Obsessed with my online reputation, getting into pointless arguments on Twitter, refreshing my news feeds every five seconds. I was wasting my life away, one click at a time. But then I stepped away from the Internet for a while and taught myself an important lesson about what really matters […]
9/11 Was An Inside Job And Thanks To Turmeric My Skin Has Never Looked Better
You know, there was one silver lining to come from the tragedy that was September 11, 2001. Immediately after this ruthless attack, we banded together for the good of the nation, becoming stronger, more resolute, and more unified as a result. And in doing so we proudly showed the world one indisputable fact about Americans: […]
Um, I Got A Vampire Facial, But Bullets Still Seem To Hurt Me?
Is this why people aren’t doing this anymore? I know Kim Kardashian and some other people got them, but this doesn’t feel right. The procedure itself was fairly painless, but the rest really makes me think that maybe it’s- [Editors Note: Brian Gilmore was not available to finish this article because he is currently under […]
The Psychic Life-Hack That’ll Change How You Go To The Dentist
It may sound far-fetched and perhaps even insane, but psychic dentistry is the one true way to tame your mouth aura.
“Got A Hole? Fill A Hole!” (And Other Perfect Wedding Advice)
This weekend, I watched my friend get married. Waiting in line to greet the bride and groom, I overheard some of the best wedding advice from an attending cousin from Florida: “Got a hole? Fill a hole.” Most of my helpful advice is delivered with my middle finger, but when faced with a blushing bride […]
Color Of The Month: Color Me Badd
We know we’re going to catch some heat over this month’s pick for color of the month (get ready to weather the storm of all those angry pro-Orange comments, everyone). But pound for pound, no other color on the spectrum of visible light brought their A-game quite like that plucky little quartet from Oklahoma City, […]
Free Monthly Horoscopes – June Edition
Summer is officially here, so astrally project yourself into your monthly Horoscope Guide. Whether you intend to have a summer of love or a summer of deep thought and solitude, the stars have their own plan for you, and all it takes is a receptive ear to listen to the Universe’s motherly whisper. Aquarius: As […]
Philosophical Reasons You HAVE To Bleach Your Asshole
Some dilemmas in life can only be answered by analyzing the words of the great thinkers of humanity. People often turn to religion when pondering the big questions, but as a practical person who finds value in tangible thought structures rather than spiritual reconnaissance, I’m much more likely to turn to philosophy to answer the […]
Giving Your Child The Advantages Of Your Immense Wealth Without Being A Helicopter Parent
One of the best things about being obscenely loaded is that you can ensure your children also enjoy the benefits of immense wealth, thus perpetuating a rock-solid cycle of compounding privilege that will echo down your bloodline for years to come. However, be wary of becoming not just a helicopter parent but the even more […]
I Spent A Year Taking Only Sound Baths And Here’s What Happened
In an effort to preserve water and single-handedly save the entire state of California, I’ve been seeking out alternatives to wasteful aquatic baths. My dear friend Sheila told me about something called “sound baths” at our last solstice circle, and I was eager to hear more. I decided to invite Sheila over for some crabgrass […]
Hella Chic: Propeller Beanies With Optional Motors And Neck Clamps
We know many of you read this blog to stay up-to-date on all the hot Hollywood trends. In the past we’ve broken such fashion explosions as iridescent capes, the latest in mascot chic, and plastic wallet chains before they hit boutiques. Our goal is to give our readers the opportunity to get in as early […]
Meet the Amazing New Headwear That Will Balance Your Aura and Be Your Best Friend
Sunburn. Rain. A sudden drop in temperature. Your head does not deserve these things. Stress. Imbalance. Toxicity. Your body and soul do not deserve these things, either. It’s all enough to give someone a headache. And that’s where the Felicitus L-9 comes in. Maintain your internal balance, and indulge only positive environments, and you will […]
This Poached Egg Hack Will Totally Ruin Your Marriage!
Poaching eggs is difficult, and so is marriage. They’re both hard to keep together. Any time you poach an egg, it could end up a runny, drippy mess, just like my husband Sean’s penis. Hi, Sean! Your shower technique is bad and your genitals are disgusting. Anyway, here’s a poached egg hack that will totally […]
Children’s Party Ideas That’ll Really Make Your Kids Earn Their Keep
Listen, you have to throw at least a few birthday parties for those sticky, squirmy parasites who insist on calling you “Mommy” no matter how many times you tell them your actual name. If you don’t, your mom-friends will start to get resentful of how many cupcakes they’ve forked out in the past, and it’s […]