Train Your Adorable New Puppy By Negging The Shit Out Of It
Teach that stupid furball to stop being such a basic bitch
I Went to The General To Save Some Time, Why Didn’t He Save My Dad in ‘nam?
He was known as The Captain back then.
Why Can’t My Son Be My Emotional Support Animal? He’s On A Leash
He’s just as untamable as any beast.
Cute Purses That Won’t Hold Your Emotional Baggage
This third one definitely won’t help with your crippling social anxiety!
Stop Being So Goddamn Sad All The Time (And Buy My Book)
Whenever you’re about to do something, stop to think “Would a happy person do this?” If the answer is no, recalibrate your plans.
You Will Not Look Good In Any Of These Chic Seasonal Hats
Don’t even bother trying to cover up that horrible potato head
How I Once Used A Bathroom In A Public Park Without Contracting Cholera
I know, it sounds ludicrous, but I assure you this is no joke.
Stop Screaming At Your Kids And Let Me Do It For You!
If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand.
We Asked A Personal Trainer For Workout Tips And Now We’re Fucking
We really meant to get into this whole workout thing, but then we just got carried away with the fucking. You get it, right?
I’m Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain By Alienating My Friends And Family
Because nothing feels as good as fitting into designer skinny jeans. Not even love.
Recipes For Standing In Front Of The Fridge In Your Underwear At 2AM
Not to be confused for 3AM recipes.
The Best Places to Find Inner Peace And Hopefully An Affair
How do you decide where to go to find inner peace and hopefully an affair with someone whose voice doesn’t make you wish you would just die already.
Prawns vs. Shrimps: The Definitive Guide
Prawns. What are they? Do they have feelings? Most importantly, are they different from shrimp?
Reminder: Your Neti Pot Is The Best Way To Drown Yourself On Dry Land
Free yourself of sinus infections once and for all (and confound investigators).
I Made All My Own Clothes For A Month And Was Mistaken For A Scarecrow
I am not a scarecrow. I WAS AT YOUR WEDDING, DOUG!
Thanksgiving Recipes The Whole Family Better Fucking Agree On
I swear to fucking God they better after all of this bullshit I went through this year.
Goop Said “Use Blue Cocoon!” But The One In This Cave Tried To Eat Me
It was a fairly unremarkable day as a writer for Bunny Ears. I woke up around 3PM, hungover, logged into the work Slack and realized we had kidnapped one of the therapists for Goop. My position requires me to remotely contact the main office, as is typical in the current freelance gig economy. I was […]
I Traveled The World And Didn’t Learn A Fucking Thing About Myself
It isn’t worth it, just stay home.
Stop Body Shaming And Accept Yourself As You Are, Unless You’re James
Hey James, fuck you you disgusting shit. Everyone else, please learn to accept your body as it is!
Stew’s Corner: Hooking Up At This Wedding And Getting Away With It
The night gave way to passion. But now it’s morning, and you have to get the fuck out of here without everyone at this wedding knowing.
Lose Weight With My Diet Of Artisanal LSD Tabs And Ditch Grains Fed To You Through Our Feed Hole
The Church Of False-Vestigially has implemented a state-of-the-art health program with only a 40% failure* rate. It’s called the “LSD Hole Diet,” and it’s totally shaking up the diet world.
Mobile Board Yoga Is Revolutionizing The Fitness And Wellness World
Mobile board yoga, the newest Hollywood fitness craze, is the real deal.
Reminder: Don’t Fuck Up This Turkey, Because You Can Really Use A Win Right Now
This Thanksgiving turkey is just the opportunity you need to have at least one thing go right. And you really need it because, let’s be honest, you can really use a win right now.
My Ideal Mate Is Still A Plural Marriage With Most Of The New Kids On The Block
Modern guys just aren’t cutting it for me.
The Newest Face Mask Trend Is Winning A Kid’s Choice Award So Nickelodeon Will Slime You
If you’ve tried all the face masks, you’ll love this hot new trend where you win a Kid’s Choice Award so Nickelodeon will give you a slime face mask.
You Have To Try These Stuffing Recipes In Your Vagina
I’ve got stuffing in the oven, and I don’t mean the one in my kitchen!
Kelly Tries It: DIY Fecal Transplant
Better safe than sorry! Time to replace all my poop with someone else’s poop!
Five Rite Aids You MUST Visit Before You Die
Stop what you’re doing, grab your travel journal, and take note, ’cause I’m going to run down the five Rite Aids you MUST visit before you eat the big one.
Animal Fruit Carvings So Adorable You’ll Dedicate Your Life To Keeping Them Alive At ALL Costs
Everyone needs a good post-divorce craft project, even if it means building a whole new family who will never desert me out of fruit.
This Instant-Pot Is The Only Thing You’ll Ever Need In Your Life Ever Again Forever
I think you’re afraid to know true enlightenment. I get it, navigating the higher planes of existence can be scary at first.
Which Thought-Reading Prevention Hat Is Right For You?
Nowadays, thankfully, there are many different kinds of hats that prevent thought-theft… too many, in fact.
A Guide To Communing With Your Spirit Animal Through Our 84-inch 4K TV
Seeking a spirit animal can be hard, so we recommend this LG Electronics 84-Inch Cinema 3D 4K Ultra HD 120hz Smart TV with six pairs of 3D glasses purchased through our amazon affiliate link!
We Made Andrea Try Aerial Yoga Even Though She Begged Us To Just Let Her Work
At first, Andrea was hesitant to take our suggestion that she try aerial yoga for this article, which we respectfully acknowledged. Then she started screaming.
How I Got SNAP/EBT To Help Fund My First Affordable Yacht Rental
With a little of that sweet, sweet Uncle Sam start-up money and some human ingenuity, you, too, can rent a luxury water vehicle.
5 Books You Totally Know How To Read This Fall
Nothing beats curling up with a good book, flipping through its pages, holding it right side up, and, of course, telling people you’re reading it so they think you’re smart.