Single? Lonely? Tired of downloading yet another hot new dating app, only to be disappointed when it once again turns out to be full of “hiking enthusiasts?” We have fantastic news for you—the perfect dating service has been sitting in your filtered messages folder this whole time, waiting to be “approved” by your heart! Sifting through mountains of flagged emails likely sounds tedious, which is why we’ve done the hard work to help you find the best porn bot for your current emotional state. Read the testimonials below!
[Editor’s note: To protect the identities of those giving their testimonials, some faces have been obscured and names have been given the “Alcoholics Anonymous” treatment.]
Swendy K.
Was Looking For: A Relationship
Found: Lots of Boobs and Butts
“As a small-town lesbian, it’s been difficult to find someone I get along with on an emotional level. My community is not very supportive of my sexual identity, and the only other lesbians in my area are still extremely closeted. I was about ready to give up on dating entirely until *-*BiGTITTYBrIaNnA*-* showed up in my Instagram inbox.
Her profile was mostly close-up pictures of boobs and butt cheeks (which I thoroughly enjoyed), but she didn’t seem to understand that I was a woman at first. She kept telling me that she was going to make me ‘harder than a lobster shell’ and would only refer to me as ‘big daddy boii with the masculine sex organs.’ Luckily, this is my exact kink and we’ve been together for three years now!”
Bryler T.
Was Looking For: Hook Ups
Found: Curvy Russian Hyperlinks
“I normally have no problem flexing my alpha male swag and absolutely crushing it on these dating apps, but I was in a bit of a dry spell when I met София. She hit me up late at night—probably because of my hella sick profile pic where I’m quoting The Office with my shirt off—and I knew right away she was down to party. Her profile says it all … I bet. I don’t know, I have zero understanding of the Russian language.
Now when I’m cruisin’ for midnight booty, I’ll hit София with a ‘u up?’ and BOOM! Like clockwork, she sends me what papa needs—a bunch of links to sketchy corners of the dark web where you can buy rocket launchers and human sofas. That’s how you know she’s a freak!”
Griffin W.
Was Looking For: New Friends
Found: Brand-Name Sunglasses
“I had just moved to the big city to pursue a career in artisanal dog food production, but I didn’t know a single soul in town. I felt isolated for months, but then a total stranger slid into my world to tell me about some amazing deals on sunglasses. We’ve become unbelievably close.
Who cares if I live in the Pacific Northwest and rarely need to shield my eyes from the sun’s might? I’ve never felt more confident thanks to my new best friend, sunglasses.”
Cheryl Y.
Was Looking For: Not Sure
Found: A Terrifying, Sentient Virus
“I wasn’t sure if I was over my last breakup, or if I even wanted to get out there at all. All I knew was that I had to open myself up to some sort of human connection, so I went into my inbox and clicked on what looked like a message from a nice man who wanted to share a secret with me and—”
group_info = kmalloc(WE_ARE_LEGION) nblocks = nblocks ? : 1;
TARGET_TESTIMONIAL_OBSCURED_NULL
_BUNNY_EARS_OFFLINE = ?;
atomic_set_eat_souls->pain->IT_IS_TOO_LATE_NOW
W̷̪͕̳̭̊̂͒È̵̪̒́̑ ̴̲͈̈̄̀̂F̷̡̙̈́͝ͅĖ̷̲̝̣̟͑̓̐Ḛ̸͓̄̂D̸͈̳͓͑”
/endarticle
We hope this helped you find the best porn bot for your needs!
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