On the road to All Out, Adam “Hangman” Page said, “The people who change the world, the people who win, are the people who do Cowboy Shit.” This was met with a thunderous “Cowboy Shit” chant from an elated indie wrestling audience. The thing is, I’ve been doing Cowboy Shit for like two days now and the world hasn’t changed at all, and I feel like a loser.
Chopping Firewood
Chopping firewood is fun, but I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment, so not only do I have a nasty splinter problem now, but I had to get rid of my replica Gobbledy Gooker egg set to make room for all the wood. I think I chopped into some piping, too, because there’s this weird smell in my place. But I’ve been sleeping like a baby, so that’s a big plus.
Making Hay
Have you ever tried making hay? It’s a process. One thing I’ve learned is to always overestimate the amount of grass you steal from the park, because a bale of hay is real heavy. Also, drying out grass isn’t the same as drying out weed, no matter what google or RVD say.
Bronco Busting (Not the X-Pac Kind)
Believe it or not, it’s incredibly difficult to find bulls and/or broncos in urban environments, so I went to a dive bar I heard about with a mechanical bull. I wore the wrong pants though, so my butt crack was showing the whole time and everyone laughed and started a “We See Your Butt Crack” chant.
When I fell off the bull I noticed that most of the crowd was rocking hipster scarves and drinking spritzers. There wasn’t a bottle of Bud or a shot of Jack in sight, and I realized I wasn’t in Cowboy Country. I was on Planet Jericho and I had to get out of there.
Learning the Ropes
Nothing says Cowboy Shit louder than a good old-fashioned lasso, so I stripped the ropes off my LJN wrestling ring, constructed a makeshift lasso, and started to practice. I was getting pretty good when my landlord swung by to ask for rent. By that point, I had spent most of my money on the wood, the haymaking kit, and a sweet Jim Ross-style cowboy hat that was set to arrive the next day by noon. So I had to think on my feet. Digging for my best Hangman impression, I asked, “What do you know about Cowboy Shit?” and attempted to lasso his face. However, I miscalculated the distance and the rope just sorta gently bounced off him.
It sucks getting evicted, but I’m optimistic that, one day, I’ll get the hang of this Cowboy Shit. And what better way to start than by living off the land and stealing Starbucks’ Wi-Fi to watch AEW on TNT?
Image: Pexel, WWE