Inacupuncture: Relieve Stress by Never Putting Needles in Your Face

I used to be an acupuncture fanatic, or as I liked to call it, an “acupunk.” But recently, I’ve found an even better form of stress relief: never putting needles anywhere in my body! Unlike acupuncture, which is complicated by pesky things like “the need for sterilization” and “a lack of rigorous scientific evidence,” inacupuncture can be done anywhere. In fact, I’m not putting needles in my face RIGHT. NOW. Here are some of my favorite locations to practice this form of nontraditional Chinese medicine.

FRENCH BAKERY

The little French bakery by my home is one of my favorite places to practice inacupuncture. It’s so relaxing to grab a cup of coffee and a ham and cheese croissant and think about how no one at any point during the day will be putting needles anywhere in my body. It’s amazing how not having any needles in your face can really improve your morning. No one says things like “oh my god does that woman have needles sticking out of her collarbone? Is there a horror movie shooting nearby or something?”

WORK

An office is a great location to not put needles in your face and body. Sure, modern workplaces are accommodating, but try putting just one or two needles in your face and see how long it takes before Karen from HR screams at the top of her lungs and falls into the community nut bowl, which unfortunately contains peanuts she is allergic to. Sorry Karen! Now I like relax at work by bathing in the warm knowledge of the needle-free day ahead of me. Also I have more time for Facebook now.

A FIRST DATE

I confess: I’m THAT GIRL. The one who has shown up to a first date with acupuncture needles sticking out of her hands. This has prompted some extreme reactions, from the guy who immediately puked up his antipasto (apparently some people have “phobias” of “needles”). It turns out, I found something worse than men who were repelled by my medicine choices: dudes who were super into the needles in my skin. Goodbye, needle fetishists! Now I relax on first dates with booze, Xanax, and the sure knowledge that no one will be putting needles in me today! Hooray!

A PUBLIC PARK

I like to pack a handwoven basket full of elk brie, grapefruit marmalade, and my favorite kale-based baguette substitute. Public parks aren’t just great for inacupuncture, though. They’re also great for NOT practicing Reiki, reflexology, or even yoga or meditation. Sure, scientists may have found evidence that meditation is helpful, but it’s also pretty relaxing to just stuff another brie roll into your face.

USE YOUR IMAGINATION

These are just some of my favorite places to practice inacupuncture, but don’t limit yourself! You can practice inacupuncture anywhere: work, school, home, the great outdoors. The sky’s the limit! Except not really, because you can do inacupuncture while skydiving! It doesn’t matter where you do inacupuncture. The important thing is enjoying the fact that no one is putting needles in your body.