Hello everyone. World-famous actor and legendary human being Macaulay Culkin here. Now, most of you have been admiring me from afar for several decades, and let me be the first to say thank you, I’m flattered. But let me also be the first to say that after years of near-Biblical fame and adulation, I’m ready to close that distance between us. It isn’t going to happen overnight; the space between us is vast, a long golden road paved with status and victory. It will take thousands of steps to bridge that gap. And the first step is this – take that “Macaulay” nonsense and throw it right on out the door. My friends call me Mack, and now you do, too. Or “Mr. Culkin.”
Hey. Dry your eyes. No need to go to pieces over my generosity just yet; that was merely the first of many gifts I’m going to give to you, my new friends. In the spirit of crossing those many thousand steps that separate us, I’m going to dedicate this space to reading letters from you, the writhing sea of adoring fans who have given me so much, and responding to them personally. Oh stop, now you’re going to get me crying.
This week I’m responding to a note from Cindy of Silver Springs, Maryland, who writes:
Dear Mack,
I’ve just relocated to a new city for a job, and I’m very depressed. I had to leave my friends and family behind, and I’m all alone in an unfamiliar place. Should I say “damn the job” and go be with the people I love, or should I try and make the best of a difficult situation?
First of all, Cindy, thank you for your note. I’m moved beyond words that you would write to me for advice before asking the friends and family you abandoned. I totally understand your fear of moving to a new city and finding yourself all alone in a strange new place. It’s a lot like the time I found myself unexpectedly transported into a multiverse of thrilling literary worlds after passing out in a library. I didn’t know what to do, or who to turn to, or if I’d ever see my family again. I didn’t have to worry so much about the “friends” part because I’m pretty sure I was a nerd. Or maybe I was an orphan. Anyway, I seem to remember wearing glasses.
I’m not going to lie to you, Cindy – it was a tough time for me. There were moments when I doubted my courage, and when I wished I could just give up. But I didn’t. Do you know why? Because I made new friends. The razor-witted but kindly Fantasy, the hideous but loveable Horror, and Patrick Stewart. When the time finally came for me to return home, I didn’t want to leave them. Do you see what I’m getting at? Your own magical world could be out there waiting for you, but you’ll never know if you’re too afraid to go looking for it. Although what kind of job has you relocate to Silver Springs, Maryland? Some sort of distribution warehouse? Shit, maybe you should move back home.
Sadly, I have to go for now. But be sure to check this space regularly, as I will continue to respond to your letters when I have the time. So don’t be shy! Send me your thoughts, comments, and questions, and I promise that there is a definite possibility I will actually read them.
Your new friend,
Mack
Dictated into my Apple Watch while parasailing across the Equator. Transcribed with painstaking precision by Tom Reimann.
View Comments (88)
Good advice Mack :)
This Universe finally feels so right, and if rubbing you is right, I don't wanna be dong. I'll never sit on this toilet the same. Bless you my sage.
Mack your f@$&en awesome. I grew up watching your movies now my kid loves them too. He puts his ands in his face and screens as if he put after shave lol.
Dear Uncle Mack,
(And I call you that because you make me feel safe-like family,)
I am autistic, epileptic, and schizophrenic- I cannot go anywhere without the aid of a stuffed Opus doll or "Happy the Horse" (actually an alicorn) doll as emotional support. This prevents me from getting an actual job, but I do want to be a puppeteer with all my stuffed animals. The people I want to work for, I can't apply to. The people that might PAY ME, won't hire me unless I lose my service animals. HELP!!
I had no idea how delightfully hilarious you are! A regular ham!
Excellent advice. I’ll be sure to consult you regarding my next tattoo. Spot on! lolol
Hey there! I started a Positivity Group/Mental Health Initatitive called 80s Summer Camp and we work to add more positivity to the world by promoting creativity, face to face interaction, equality and a return to old school grass roots type activities. I have been selling TShirts and using the money to buy more tshirts to give away to more people to include as many people in the group as I can. Lately I have been sending them out to notable people such as yourself in the hopes that they snap a pic in it and either post or send to me to post to social media. I have been focusing on Canadians so far but would love to send you a shirt as well because I think you’re awesome and your unique insights on many things fit the sort of ideals that are the essence of 80s Summer Camp. You project “fun” and that’s AweSum! My email iskeithmuise@hotmail.com if you would like a shirt and to help out please email me and I will send ya one right away. My efforts have been on national news all over Canada and in over 40 online, radio and web based publications and we are just getting started. The fun part is, even if it do not wish to wear the shirt for a pic I would love to send one anyway because like I said, I think you’re AweSum! Thanks
Keith
Hey Mack
I've got a bit of a dilemma that I'm dealing with right now: I found out that my Dad has been seeing a woman on the low for several months (I have evidence). My parents are married, but they are going to move apart over the summer. Should I tell my Mom that found out about the affair? Should I tell my Dad that I know about it first? Or should I contact the woman that he has been seeing?
I am scared to tell my Mom, because she does not know anyone else than me and my Dad where we live. I don't want to take one of the 2 people that she can talk to away.
Shit. I’m not Mack, but the answer here is obviously THC and/or lots of alcohol, followed by ghosting every one ever. My answer to all things.
Why not sleep with your dad's girlfriend? It would be a similar betrayal .
Your advice is poetic and deep. There is no doubt in my mind that what’s-her-name’s pain is eased and her confusion settled. Having read this, I’m off to the Library myself. Tots and Pears.
I’ve had a crush on you since I was 5 and I just know find out you go by Mack. This changes things, I have a lot of editing in my journal to take care of. Take care- Al