A Beginner’s Guide To Having A Wiccan Girlfriend

Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better to have an experienced guide to help on your journey.

This week we’ll be taking you through:

The Beginner’s Guide To Having A Wiccan Girlfriend

So your girlfriend decided to start being a witch. Cool! Unlike her boho vegan yogi phase which ended abruptly after a colonic mishap ruined her favorite floral romper (available on our website*), she seems really committed to the Wiccan lifestyle. In fact she just saged your apartment to rid it of toxic masculinity and started a Tumblr for her yoni egg collection! But how does an atheist cisgender male like you fit in to all this women’s empowerment Goddess-y stuff? Well you don’t! Your job is to just to roll with it until she transitions her social media persona to reflect the next culturally appropriated spiritual trend! (We hear it’s going back to Native American next year, so hopefully she didn’t throw away the fringe vest and feather hair accessories from a few festival seasons ago.)

DON’T CALL IT A PHASE

For real Wiccans it’s an actual religion but for your girlfriend it means even more since she spent all of this month’s trust fund on designer floppy black hats. So don’t call it a phase because that minimizes her goddess magick or whatever. She isn’t really sure how it works. But she does know that magick is spelled with a “k”. Did you know that? Didn’t think so.

PRETEND YOU ARE ALSO OUTRAGED BY THE COMMERCIAL EXPLOITATION OF WICCA WHILE CONSTANTLY TAKING PICTURES OF HER IN GAUZY BLACK OUTFITS NEXT TO A TREE

Practice your eye rolls for when you pass by the new age shop (even though she bought all her vag crystals there). Be understanding when she goes on a tirade about how many inaccuracies there were in Hocus Pocus (throw in a well-placed “You’re absolutely right, babe, witches aren’t always sisters” and “No, real witches are way hotter, I mean look at you!”). Finally, be able to quickly find her best angle while also directing her and touching up her hair and makeup for the impromptu 45-minute photo shoot she makes you collaborate on. Make sure to take her to the park next to this cool tree to show she loves Nature. If you capitalize Nature it means you love it more, btw.

SHOW YOUR SUPPORT BY LETTING HER COVEN USE YOUR APARTMENT FOR A FULL MOON RITUAL

She says it’s because your apartment has better lighting but you know it’s mainly because you just got your wine subscription box and all they do at these meetings is get wasted, talk shit about whichever one couldn’t make it that night (usually Candice) and take pictures of each other waving vintage daggers around.

LISTEN TO HER BITCH ABOUT CANDICE

There’s always that one girl in the group that everyone hates. That’s just how friendships work. Yes, even woke wymyn witch friendships. Candice is so basic. She didn’t even get into Wicca until last year when Lorde announced she was “basically a witch” and Candice was like, “hmmm what’s that”, you know? Your GF has been a diehard Wiccan ever since she saw The Craft back in junior high. (Minus the few years in between then and now when witchcraft fell out of fashion, but that’s irrelevant. Anyway, we’re talking about Candice right now.)

FORGIVE HER WHEN HER COVEN SETS YOUR APARTMENT ON FIRE

Look, the “coven” fell asleep with about 100 candles lit after drinking all your wine and set your apartment on fire. You lost everything and are now homeless but there are a couple of positives we can take from this:

1)Your girlfriend was able to document the fire and get an EPIC video that is now trending so she’s basically a Wiccan lifestyle influencer now**

2)Candice died of smoke inhalation, so you don’t have to listen to anyone bitching about her anymore!

Things are really looking up since your girlfriend decided to become a witch!

So mote it be!

*Not the soiled one; that’ll be auctioned when she hits 100K Instagram followers!

**Calling all bids for the floral romper soiled by a famous witch!