I hate to say it, but it’s true: These days, all of the good men are either taken, gay, or sewer-dwelling, crime-fighting, mutant turtles. So pop open a sewer grate and crawl on in!
Admit it: You’ve thought about it. There’s a Ninja Turtle for everyone. Are you looking for a strong, take-charge, Christian Grey type? There’s Leonardo. Are you into a lovable class clown? Michelangelo. Are nerds your thing? Donatello. How about a bad boy you can change? Raphael.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are definitely the hottest mutants. They’re into staying in shape, but they sure as hell aren’t going to judge you for eating pizza. They care about other people, even though they technically aren’t people because they’re mutated turtles. They can make you laugh, and they can teach you how to kill someone with nunchucks. Let’s face it: The perfect man is a mutant turtle.
And let’s talk about fashion for a minute, because you know we all want a well-dressed fella. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles never wear pants, but they always wear knee pads, because hurt knees are expensive and these turtles are responsible as hell! They also wear masks to protect their identities so their enemies don’t come after their loved ones. It doesn’t work at all, but bless them for trying. Everything about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles says that they are mature, caring, thoughtful men who will treat a partner right.
April O’Neil might not be into the Ninja Turtles, and that’s fine. More for the rest of us! She wants to date a guy whose super power is that he’s been to Dick’s Sporting Goods. Go ahead with Casey Jones, April, but just know that you’re ignoring the four most eligible bachelors in the entire sewer system!
Image: 888 Productions