I’m trying to come up with a costume idea for this Halloween party I’m going to this weekend, and I think a vampire might be the answer. See, a vampire costume seems like the kind you can still pork in (and I’m not going to repeat the mistakes of last year when I wore a full-bodied dinosaur getup that zipped up in the back).
But listen, if I’m going to dress up as a vampire for Halloween, I’ve gotta understand their mythology in case someone asks me a vampire question. And if I’m being honest, there’s a bunch of stuff I only half-remember. Not to mention their mythology is incredibly inconsistent. For instance, can vampires fly? Like, is that part of their whole thing? I feel like I remember Brad Pitt flying in that one movie with Tom Cruise.
Last year, my boy Cody was Superman for Halloween, and he did this really funny thing where he put a stool down and laid on his belly and got in front of the fan and was like “FWOOSH.” Everyone clapped because it looked like he was flying. Not gonna lie, that’s part of the reason I’m thinking about being a vampire, so I can also lay on a stool on my belly in front of a fan.
But would anyone get that? Also, that one guy can go out in the sunlight, but the rest can’t? Maybe I should be the sun vampire in case the party rages ’til the break of dawn. I’d look like a fucking idiot if the sun came up and I was some lamepire who melted in sunlight.
Some More Questions about Vampires I Have
Do they shrink like slugs when the sun hits them? What’s the deal with their teeth? Are they like needles, where they poke into someone’s neck and suck up the blood, or, like, what’s the story there?
Also, do vampires not have reflections? I think I remember something about Brad Pitt hating mirrors because he had no reflection. How am I even going to pull that off? Should I just run up into this party and smash all the mirrors outright? Then I can be like, “I hate mirrors! BLAH!” Unless vampire don’t hate mirrors and that’s just a thing that real-life Brad Pitt hates that they wrote into the script?
Okay, one last thing about vampires I have to figure out: Doesn’t something happen to your penis if you become a vampire? I feel like I remember hearing that vampire penises are corkscrew-shaped and they have these spines on them that point backwards.
Or am I thinking of ducks? That’s the other thing I was thinking of being.
Images: Pixabay, PublicDomainVectors.org