Now that women have almost as much money as men, many credit card companies are getting more and more desperate to convince us to give it to them. They know it is impossible to live up to the standards expected of a woman in this world without endlessly mounting debt, so why not make spending less stressful with these amazing perks? Just ignore those interest rates and indulge in these literally magical benefits.
Best Western Mom Card
This card is best known as the practical grey credit card your mom kept in her wallet when you were a kid. Although it’s old school, it’s no wonder why it’s so popular. In addition to the barely reasonable interest rate, this card gives you 30 pain-free period minutes for every dollar spent on gas or groceries. Hit your spending limit, and your period goes away entirely. Just for that month, though. You gotta pay it off if you want more of that sweet relief.
Chase Sapphire
This pretty blue card comes with some pretty big perks. Besides helping you get those new pairs of shoes you have been eyeing, it will also cure that yeast infection you got from Brian’s disgusting dick. They even offer 1 percent cash back on purchases related to restoring your pH balance. Goodbye, itch; hello, purple wedges!
Delta Sky Miles Platinum
This card is the gold—or rather, platinum—standard for business travelers. Not only does it offer amazing airline perks, but it also grantees you 3 percent cash back on all purchases spent appeasing toxic masculinity. Get more bang for your buck on that organ-crushing shapewear that society dictated you buy anyway!
Best Buy Rewards Card
This card isn’t just great for slowly paying off electronics; it also has excellent rewards for lady gamers. For every dollar spent on qualifying purchases, you will get to destroy one creepy incel on XBOX Live who threatens to swat you if you don’t send nudes.
Southwest Miles Card
It’s weird that the cheap airline’s credit card offers anything other than miles, but this one does offer one luscious hair day. Too bad no one will see it when you’re stuck in the middle seat between Carl and Dave.
Capitol One
Capitol One is mostly known for having commercials that are awful earworms that get stuck in your head, but if you were lucky enough to have not gotten the flu and had to suffer through one of their commercials on daytime television, you may have one of their cards. Luckily, this little piece of plastic comes with dewy, golden skin that is completely acne-free. With all the compliments you’ll get, the sound of Alec Baldwin’s voice might finally leave your brain.
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