There is one universal truth in this world, and it is that masturbation is great. The practice keeps you healthy and relieves stress. It also expresses self-love—which is one of the most important, if not the most important—building blocks of a happy life. But here’s the thing: If you made love to an actual partner, would you wipe them off after with an old sock by the bed? No! So why cheapen your self-love with a sock, a tissue, or a wet wipe? There are much better, more dignified methods to clean the solo passion off your body.
Crushed Velvet
Wiping off love-goo from your nethers with luxurious crushed velvet brings an air of elegance to your clean up. Nothing makes you feel like you’re a king (who just came) more than a soft, ribbony wipe down. It can also make you feel like you’re on the cover of one of those Danielle Steel novels that your aunt is always reading.
French Terry Cotton
If you want to give your genitals an “atta boy” finishing touch, clean them with a French terry cotton cloth. The absorbency will quickly wick the moisture off your body while providing an ultra-soft swab. It’s like getting a ball-washing from the Snuggle’s fabric softener bear—and who hasn’t dreamed of that?
Vicuña Wool
There’s nothing more fitting than wiping off millions of sperm with material made from another dying breed. The lush yet super-light wool made from the hair of the majestic vicuña (a South American llama-creature) will bring a cultured and worldly flare to cleaning off all that sex clam juice.
A “Cum Butler” Who Arrives Complete with His Own Fresh Cotton Cum Rags
“Oh, you had a big cum today, didn’t you?” says your new butler as he mops away your happy gak. There’s nothing that says luxury quite like a dedicated servant hired solely to wipe down your fuck parts. Just be aware that if you have to ask where to find a cum butler, you can’t afford one.
Images: Amazon, Amazon, Wikimedia/Papermaker, Unsplash/Amazon