You were working hard at the gym to get those sweet shredded abs ready for beach season, but then accidentally squeezed out a real cheek slapper of a toot … and everyone heard. The choices you make from here on out will affect the rest of your life. Your first instinct might be to own the fart and apologize for breaking the unwritten rules of workout decorum. Sadly, no one will think of you as a hero. You’d be sewing your own scarlet F onto your sweat-covered compression shirt. So here’s what to actually do if you fart at the gym. (Disclaimer: This article only covers farting. For what to do when you shit your pants at the gym, please see here.)
1. Keep Moving
By now you’ve probably realized there’s only one way to recover from this travesty: Run out of the gym while pushing through the throngs of laughing muscle people (slapping aside their sweaty, accusatory pointed fingers) and head home.
Your home is more than just a safe space. It’s also where you keep your packed emergency duffel bag just in case you need to flee the country. It never occurred to you to put “farting at the gym” on the same list as “societal collapse” and “mutant uprising.” But then again, you were never a disgusting pig before today. Head to the airport, duffel bag in hand.
2. Do Not Make Eye Contact With Anyone
Word has likely spread. If the people at the gate compare your passport picture to something on their screens, it means you’ve been flagged by Homeland Security. Get out of there before you’re tackled by large men in dark suits. Head to the docks and stow away on the first large cargo ship you can find. Don’t worry about where it’s going. Anywhere is better than a country where you’re no longer welcome.
3. Prepare to Start Over
Drift along the high seas wedged between shipping containers until you’re discovered by a crewman. Explain to his captain that you’re just trying to find a new home, someplace that will accept you for the monster that you are. Be honest with him when he asks why you’ve been banished. “Farted,” you will say. “In a gym.”
You should feel a small spark of hope in your soul when no one leaps off the side of the ship screaming. Accept the captain’s invitation to make his ship your new home. His vessel is a floating refuge for men and women from all over the world who were banished from their homelands for farting in gyms. The crew might not have been the family you expected in life, but you’ll soon realize they’re the family you need. Just don’t fart in the ship’s gym unless you’re a strong swimmer.
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