Do you smell that crisp scent in the air? It’s fall. But it’s also the heady blend of Old Spice wafting off your kids’ new gym teacher, Mr. Dick. And while it’s been clear since you clocked his tiny running shorts at Parent-Teacher night that you and Mr. Dick have an appointment with his boner, there are the kids to consider. Well, guess what? Those ungrateful little monsters nested inside you for nine months, and they owe you. That being said, here are some great fall recipes for kids to try while you and Mr. Dick’s Mr. Dick get down.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches
Okay, this isn’t technically a “fall recipe.” But that’s okay, because let’s face it—most kids are morons. Plus, PB&Js are excellent for any time of year because they don’t involve fire and they fill you up for a long time. Which means Brad and Sarah can start making these for themselves if this tryst with Mr. Dick becomes more of a regular thing.
Ants on a Log
Again, not “technically” a fall recipe. But throw some candy corns on there and you’re good to go! Perhaps the greatest virtue of this timeless combo of celery sticks, peanut butter, and raisins is the crunch factor, which does wonders for blocking out the sound of say, someone banging a gym teacher in a Prius parked in the driveway. Get one of those giant bags of celery and tell your kids no screen time until they’ve finished them all!
Apple Pie
What’s more emblematic of fall than a good old-fashioned apple pie? It’s inherently comforting, which is going to be helpful when you explain to your children that their gym teacher is going to be their new daddy—and that you’re now knocked up with a Little Baby Dick! Look, you’re 40. You figured another pregnancy wasn’t in the cards. Don’t you want seconds, kids?
Whatever Dad Has on Hand
Sometimes being the mom means knowing when to choose yourself. Which is why, if your own children are calling you a “dirty whore” who “totally ruined gym forever,” they can go stay in Dad’s apartment. Oh, now they’re calling to say they don’t know what to cook for dinner? Well, they can check behind the packets of mac & cheese and find some more mac & cheese. Because you’re preparing for your new life with Baby Dick.
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