We love camping because it allows you to slow down your life and reconnect with Mother Earth. Of course, we also hate camping, because sooner or later, you have to poop. That’s why it’s essential to plan your camping diet correctly to induce natural, overwhelming constipation. So we’ve devised the Marshmallow Diet and other helpful tips to keep you from communing with your butt until you find civilization. Or at least a Starbucks.
Avoid: Trail Mix
Crunchy and fibrous trail mix is completely out. Unless you want to leave a trail of deer droppings wherever you go, ignore this stuff like the plague, which you might contract if your butt touches plague-contaminated mice droppings while you poop.
Try Instead: Marshmallows
The marshmallow diet is basically nature’s intestinal glue. Once marshmallows set up their gooey webbing in your guts, any poop will be trapped for weeks in a vanilla cloud-like mesh. Go ahead and play as many rounds of Chubby Bunny as you want, because every mouthful of marshmallow is another day of being poop-free!
Avoid: Coffee
We know, we know: How are you supposed to wake up without your campfire coffee? But coffee is the best way to tell your colon that it’s time to get a move on, and a long morning poop is exactly when the bears will get you.
Try Instead: Throwing Yourself Into A Lake
For an indigestible camping wake-up, belly-flop directly into a picturesque glacier-melt lake. Not only will you be more awake than you ever thought possible, your whole ass will clench so tightly that Captain America couldn’t pull it apart.
Avoid: Hot Dogs
The mixed-media meat’s tubular shape is tailor-made to push poop through your innards. It may be a camp tradition, but a fire-roasted weenie will have you squatting in a patch of poison oak before you can put the ketchup away.
Try Instead: Roasted Banana Slugs
Look, no one knows what’s in a hot dog anyway. You can’t really argue that skewering a massive banana slug and roasting it up over the campfire is any grosser. Besides, while the slug shares the general shape of a hot dog, its gelatinous construction is a perfectly molded plug for your guts. One good meal of slugs, and you’ll stop pooping for so long that they’ll have to finally let you out of the goddamn camp and get you to the ER.
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