Archie Tries Goop Recipes on Her Mom: Roasted Chicken
“Has this white woman ever had chicken before?” My dad asks, staring at the chicken. “This tastes like the ghost of flavored meat,” My mom says.
Check Out These New Wet Seeds We’re Calling Pudding
And we’re collectively pretending they taste good, too!
Healthy Detox Shakes To Make You Shit Your Pants—Just Like The Stars!
We heard one of these recipes made Emma Stone shit in a bush once!
You’re Not Infusing Your Vinegar And We’re All Judging You For It
Why are you doing this to yourself? To all of us?
The Beginner’s Guide To Salt (Because There’s A LOT Of Options)
You probably don’t have anything meaningful to do right now anyway.
DIY Your Own Candy Hearts by Killing These Majestic Sugar Elves
All you need is a scalpel and some time.
This Plant-Based Colombian Breakfast Will Give You All-Day Energy
Thanks to a single plant, I now have so much fucking all-day energy that I’ve been going non-stop for the last 18 hours and am currently writing this at 4:15 in the morning!
Easy Diet Changes To Make You Healthier, Happier, and Afraid To Eat
It’s not hard to make these small changes in your life, it just takes a little planning and a TON of constant anxiety.
Sugar-Free Christmas Cookies Less Disappointing Than Your Incel Son
Nothing sucks the air out of a holiday gathering like sugar-free baked goods and the son with a face only a mother would want to disown.
I’m Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain By Alienating My Friends And Family
Because nothing feels as good as fitting into designer skinny jeans. Not even love.
Recipes For Standing In Front Of The Fridge In Your Underwear At 2AM
Not to be confused for 3AM recipes.
Prawns vs. Shrimps: The Definitive Guide
Prawns. What are they? Do they have feelings? Most importantly, are they different from shrimp?
Thanksgiving Recipes The Whole Family Better Fucking Agree On
I swear to fucking God they better after all of this bullshit I went through this year.
Lose Weight With My Diet Of Artisanal LSD Tabs And Ditch Grains Fed To You Through Our Feed Hole
The Church Of False-Vestigially has implemented a state-of-the-art health program with only a 40% failure* rate. It’s called the “LSD Hole Diet,” and it’s totally shaking up the diet world.
Reminder: Don’t Fuck Up This Turkey, Because You Can Really Use A Win Right Now
This Thanksgiving turkey is just the opportunity you need to have at least one thing go right. And you really need it because, let’s be honest, you can really use a win right now.
Animal Fruit Carvings So Adorable You’ll Dedicate Your Life To Keeping Them Alive At ALL Costs
Everyone needs a good post-divorce craft project, even if it means building a whole new family who will never desert me out of fruit.
Can You Screw Up Pizza? We’re Gonna Try!
You know what they say: You can’t screw up pizza! But we’re gonna try.
I Just Realized Green Juice Is Cold Soup And I Am Going To End These Bastards
You better hope your colon is in order, because I’m about to blow the shit straight out of you.
The French Model: Teaching Your Child to Eat Like A Perfect Little Asshole
Turn your stupid fat American child into a glorious, perfectly-behaved little Madeline thanks to a strict French diet!
Bone Broth Is Out, Gnawing On Bones Is In!
Why waste time boiling stacks of the flayed dead so you can suckle the runoff when you can cut out the middle man and get all the nutrients you need direct from the source?
Consuming Activated Cashews Is Like Getting Railed By Mr. Peanut And We Can’t Recommend It Enough
These delicious, healthful activated cashews are so godammned good you’ll literally feel like you’re getting pounded by Mr. Peanut.
Make Your Relationship As Good As The One I Have With This BBQ Pulled Pork Macaroni And Cheese
Relationships can be tough, but when you find your perfect other half, you’ll be amazed by how easy things can be. I personally feel so lucky to be in a relationship that’s so intuitive and carefree. I am, of course, talking about my relationship with this barbecue pulled pork macaroni and cheese. It’s a simple […]
The Boxed Wine And Whatever Is In The Fridge Crash Diet
Hello again, readers! We here at Bunny Ears love trying out new diets and telling you about the results. Juice cleanses, the five-bite system, raw foods—we’re here for them all. And as much as I’d love to review a new trendy diet for you today, I hit a bit of a snafu up front: The only thing […]
I Tried The Sleeping Beauty Diet And I’m Gonna Eat My Prince When He Show Up
As a good-hearted, courageous princess, I totally understand that a diet may not be feasible to the working woman/peasant. I know many of you have children to rear and like, goats to tend? I’ve definitely seen goats out there, so my guess is you’re tending them— because peasant men are useless, amiright? See, we’re the […]
How To Make Bulletproof Mountain Dew
If you’re interested in wellness trends, you’ve most likely heard of Bulletproof coffee—A.K.A. adding healthy fats, like organic butter or ghee, to your daily cup of java. This slight adjustment to your morning routine allegedly fuels both your mind and body while also keeping you satiated longer, which means less potential for unhealthy snacking later […]
We Duplicated This $50 Green Smoothie at Home by Blending Dollar Bills into a Regular Smoothie
We’re so excited about our favorite green smoothie at Bile, Los Angeles’s opulent private juice dojo, that we decided to try making one at home. The object of our obsession is the Manaus, a jade green superfood confection made with a touch of poison dart frog venom for paralyzing the face’s unnecessary smiling muscles. We […]
Culinary Experiments That Are Also Depressing Thought Experiments
You know what they say: Candy is dandy, but the call of the void will send you spiraling down into an existential crisis. No matter how much you try to avoid it, there will be times in your life when you’ll question the meaning of everything and, indeed, the very nature of the universe. So […]
What Your Favorite Celebs Eat Daily (Hint: It’s Mostly Candles)
We all want to eat like celebs. They look so good, but they have access to all sorts of private chefs and expensive ingredients that most of us can’t afford, right? Wrong! Look no further than your local Yankee Candle to find out exactly what you need to do in order to eat like some […]
Doomsday (Meal) Prepper: How To Meal Prep For The Impending Nuclear Winter
The world of today is a scary place. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, but if you’re like us, you’re pretty sure it’ll bring a hail of nuclear missiles that will wipe out all semblance of human progress in one white-hot instant. Also like us, you’ve probably been prepping for that moment of nuclear […]
Simple Juice Cleanses To Help You Trim Down On Excess Friends
Juice cleanses are a quick and effective method to trim down on dead weight and stagnant energy. Why not give yourself a break from all that oppressive and exhausting chewing you’ve been doing and treat yourself to a juice cleanse that will help you restart your system and find out who your true friends are […]
The Best Lip Glosses To Pretend You’re Not Just Gonna Eat
Hey grown ups! You’re mature, responsible, and prepared for life. You eat food that’s food! Right? That’s why flavored lip glosses aren’t a cruel test of temptation for you, you competent person you. Who are we kidding? You’re gonna eat this shit. You’re gonna slop it on your face and eat it. You’re gonna lick […]
Start Your Everyday Retox With These Dr Pepper and Cap’n Crunch Recipes
We all know how important it is to detox daily. You need to flush out all the harmful, negative toxins you collected from the craft gin and kale flights from the night before, but simply sweating them out in your home sauna isn’t going to separate the Dijon. You need to be totally invested in […]
This Healthful Salad Technically Summons The Devil Of The Pit
I don’t know about you, but I really appreciate a diet that has a rich cultural and historical legacy. The kind of diets pioneered by The Bible, cavemen, or bisexual 19th century poets. I’m crazy about them all. So imagine my excitement when I acquired a diet book from an extinct culture. The curator of the […]
The Only Summer Jam You Need This Year Is Grapefruit Marmalade
It’s summertime! And I don’t care how hot it is, sometimes I just want to dance…with joy after eating a big scoop of grapefruit marmalade. It’s a little bit sweet and incredibly bitter, just like my meemaw who taught me the recipe. This summer jam can be enjoyed in all your favorite summer spots. POOLSIDE […]
Summertime Treat! Freeze Your Eggs
Everyone knows the best impulse purchases involve fertility, copious doctors’ visits, and disclosing your social security number on medical forms. And is there any better way to beat the summer heat than taking your freshly harvested, frozen eggs in a cooler to all your summer picnics? We don’t think so! That’s why we at Bunny […]
The Secret Ingredient In These Gluten-Free Peanut Butter Cookies Is The Love Your Mother Never Gave You
What’s better than a soft, delicious cookie? A soft, delicious cookie without dairy and gluten, of course! And that’s where my super simple five-ingredient peanut butter cookies come in. That’s right—all you’ll need for this full-proof recipe is eggs, sugar, vanilla, peanut butter, and Mother’s elusive love. The first four ingredients are simple, but you don’t want the […]
Bison Urethra: The Biodegradable Alternative To Plastic Straws
Ever since it’s been scientifically proven that plastic straws are the number-one and only threat to our Mother Earth, we as a society have come together to annihilate every last shred of this tubular capitalist sin and herald a new age where the oceans are completely and forever safe. Congratulations! But no victory is without […]
Pressed Juices To Spit-Take When Your Doctor Says You Have The Clap
If you’re anything like me, once a year you, your vagina, and your freshly bleached asshole find yourselves spread-eagle at the OBGYN for a good old pap smear. I dunno, just something quirky I do to keep things interesting! And if you’re anything more like me, that means once a year you have to put […]
This Heirloom Gingerbread Recipe Is Starting To Make Me Think My Grandma Might Be The Witch From Hansel And Gretel
Heirloom recipes are so special. They’re like a time machine that can transport us directly back to our childhood kitchens. I know when I take one bite of this wonderful gingerbread recipe I’m right back next to my grandmother in her warm, homey cottage in the woods. I’m so excited to share this fabulous recipe […]
Beet Toast: The Avocado Toast We Deserve
Avocado toast is a thing of the past. Welcome to beet toast: the only breakfast toast you’ll need for at least two years. Breakfast is the most healing of all the meals; it sets the tone for your day. I recently heard the phrase “you are what you eat” for the very first time and […]