I’m Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain By Alienating My Friends And Family
Because nothing feels as good as fitting into designer skinny jeans. Not even love.
Lose Weight With My Diet Of Artisanal LSD Tabs And Ditch Grains Fed To You Through Our Feed Hole
The Church Of False-Vestigially has implemented a state-of-the-art health program with only a 40% failure* rate. It’s called the “LSD Hole Diet,” and it’s totally shaking up the diet world.
The Boxed Wine And Whatever Is In The Fridge Crash Diet
Hello again, readers! We here at Bunny Ears love trying out new diets and telling you about the results. Juice cleanses, the five-bite system, raw foods—we’re here for them all. And as much as I’d love to review a new trendy diet for you today, I hit a bit of a snafu up front: The only thing […]
I Tried The Sleeping Beauty Diet And I’m Gonna Eat My Prince When He Show Up
As a good-hearted, courageous princess, I totally understand that a diet may not be feasible to the working woman/peasant. I know many of you have children to rear and like, goats to tend? I’ve definitely seen goats out there, so my guess is you’re tending them— because peasant men are useless, amiright? See, we’re the […]
Healthy and Delicious Veggies That Will Make You Feel Like You’re Looking at Deepak Chopra
It’s rumored that Sigmund Freud once said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” We get you, Sigmund. Trying to find deeper meaning in random things is a fool’s errand – unless you’re talking about healthy and delicious vegetables that will make you feel like you’re looking at Deepak Chopra. I know I’m not […]
We Tried The Meal Slurry Silicon Valley Elites Call ‘A Necessary Evil’
“Fortifying.” “Disgusting.” “Illegally procured hyena meat.” These are just some of the words and phrases Silicon Valley elites are using to describe Splopr, the hot new meal slurry they believe is necessary now. Packed full of consonants and something called “unfiltered nature liquids,” Splopr is the essence of what Silicon Valley considers healthy. Yes, it also […]
I Drank Raw Water From My A.C. And I Feel Like A New Woman
Along with stem cell facials, human blood bags, and not letting your workers unionize, raw water is all the rage in Silicon Valley. But what do you do if there are no natural springs or rivers near your home? I have found the perfect solution to this problem. I discovered a naturally occurring water source […]
I Went On A Rose Petals Cleanse, And Gained The Ability To See Fairy Folk
I’ve tried plenty of detoxes—the juice cleanse, the yogurt cleanse, the ranch dressing cleanse—but no matter what I tried, I couldn’t transcend this stubborn human dimension. Until now, that is. I’ve been on the rose petals cleanse for at least three months, though time has become somewhat a moot concept now that I partially inhabit the […]
Are You Eating Enough Nostalgic Food?
Food trends may come and go, but the foods you ate as a child ironically never go out of style. Most importantly, our bodies recognize the spiritual nutrients of nostalgic foods and manifest repair on a cellular level, returning us to our younger, healthier selves. Scientific facts like these help experts (like me!) recommend a […]
I Lived Off Food Stamps For A Week And Now I’m Spearheading A Communist Revolution
Did you know that an estimated 42.6 million Americans are on food stamps? That’s crazy, right? We often ignore the struggles of this significant segment of American society, so I decided to live on the budget of an average food stamp-recipient for one whole week. My assumption was that, by living like a poor person […]
How To Cook The Perfect Salmon Depending On Your Zodiac Sign
The Zodiac guides us through challenges in life. The stars are as wise as they are numerous, and strongly advise which recipes you should use to prepare salmon! Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Those who fall under the sign of Aries are teeming with chaotic energy. Mars, god of war, compels you to seek […]
I Ate Soap For A Week So Now I Can Say Whatever The Fuck I Want To
I’m usually a bubbly, effervescent kind of person, but a few months ago I found myself feeling guilty about the way I was acting. I was letting stress get the best of me, and it was most often expressed through absolutely foul language. Real nasty stuff. Some stuff I’m pretty sure I invented. Regardless of […]
What To Do With All That Clay You’ve Failed to Digest
By now, you’ve probably heard about Shailene Woodley’s advice to eat clay to rid your body of heavy metals and negative isotopes. No one knows what those are, but if you want to be pretty and rich like Shailene, you better have started adding a heaping side of earthenware to every meal. But Shailene never […]
The Cold Brew Cleanse Gave Me Powers Beyond My Wildest Dreams
Cold brew coffee is all the rage right now. It is simple to make, easier on the stomach than regular drip coffee and gives you a kick of caffeine that everybody could use in the morning. Even the most casual cold brew drinker knows that the more you drink the better you feel and now […]
This Fall’s Must-Haves (According To Pumpkin Spice Tea Leaves)
While beautiful for northern topiary and cozy fashion, autumn marks the time of year when holiday stress officially begins. ‘Tis the season for checkout lines and gift-giving headaches! Lord knows if there were a way to get ahead of all the toy and clothing buzz we’d kill to know it. Well, you’re in luck, future […]
I Tried Ingesting A Genetically Engineered Sensor To Monitor My Gut Health And Now I Can’t Stop Quoting Mean Girls
If you’re anything like me, all it takes is a bite of a burrito or a sip of a latte to send you on a one-way trip to bathroom town. I also can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina. So when I found a flyer under my door asking […]
I Only Ate Kid Cuisine For A Week And This Is What Happened
For centuries, man has searched for the answer to eternal youth … and now some Croatian Pilates instructor has found it! Apparently, the key to defying the natural aging process is none other than a coveted culinary sensation that took the ‘90s by storm. That’s right: Kid Cuisine. Like the boundary-pushing trendsetter that I am, […]
My Superfood Diet Has Made Me Immeasurably Powerful, And I’m Not Ready For The Responsibility
It started harmlessly enough. I’d gained a bit of winter weight, and I decided to kick my diet up a notch in the hopes of getting my abs back before #beachseason. I decided I’d cut out sugars, cut down on carbs. More leafy greens, more protein, more exercise. It was simple stuff. At first. As […]
Way Too Formal Breakfasts For After Casual Sex
I have always considered myself a sex-positive woman. I have needs, and I’m not afraid to admit it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t treat my (extremely casual, no strings-attached) partner, Liam, with dignity and kindness. We might not be a couple (which again, I’m 100% okay with), but I don’t ever want him to […]
5 Earthy Amuse-Bouche Ideas for Your Next Dinner Party
Amuse-bouche. Literally, amuse the mouth. It’s a requirement for any restaurant worth its salt, and a staple of a good dinner party. Amuse-bouche should be novel, memorable, and above all, daring. However, as a veteran host or hostess, you’ve already done the canapés, the ceviche, the spicy edamame with volcanic rock salt. To your chagrin, […]
Mmm Look at This Pie I Baked That None of My Thin Children Are Allowed to Eat
After spending an entire weekend indoors baking and decorating like a madwoman, my Pinterest foodie page is off the frickin’ charts right now. Look at this pie. Look at it. When it comes to pretty food, I am Michelangelo. But just as you do not touch the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, none of my […]
Science Says Intelligent People Have Bad Habits, So I’m Clearly A Genius
I forgot to pay a parking ticket because it was buried under greasy KFC boxes and dead spiders on my desk.
How To Get All Those Toxic Metals Out Of Your Blood With A Magnet Cleanse
Have you been feeling sluggish lately? Are you finding it more and more difficult to keep your brunch dates, or even make it to dog yoga on time without damaging your pooch’s sleep cycle? Well the reason for your leaden behind is exactly that – lead. That’s right – as you read this, countless toxic […]
4 Healthy Meal Ideas for a Pescatarian Diet!
I was shocked when my allergist told me I had a reaction to every single fruit and vegetable on the test except for onions and potatoes. I’d spent hours on that table while he prodded me with twigs and leaves, it was easily the worst food play of my life. I had spent a few […]
The Importance Of Time-Travel-Restricted Eating
Look, we love food as much as the next guy. But there has to be limits. That’s why time travel restricted meals are so important.
I Went Down Four Pant Sizes On The Matter-Eater Lad Diet
You can eat whatever you want—as long as it’s not food!
If You Really Love Fall You’ll Eat These Fucking Yellow Leaves
You SAY it’s your favorite season. Prove it.
Our Marshmallow Diet Lets You Camp In The Woods For Weeks Without Pooping!
Marshmallows are basically nature’s intestinal glue.
This Summer’s Hottest Diet Is Staring At The Ocean Thinking About Food
There’s so many kinds of foods you can think about!
Lose 20 Friends with These 30-Minute Workouts
Want to makeover not just your body but your whole dang life?
Easy Diet Changes To Make You Healthier, Happier, and Afraid To Eat
It’s not hard to make these small changes in your life, it just takes a little planning and a TON of constant anxiety.
Maybe It’s The Meth Talking, But These Detox Tips Make Me Feel Like A God
Fuck! Are you feeling this?
Healthy Eating and Food Prep Lifehacks: 5/13/19-5/19/19
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