How To Get All Those Toxic Metals Out Of Your Blood With A Magnet Cleanse
Have you been feeling sluggish lately? Are you finding it more and more difficult to keep your brunch dates, or even make it to dog yoga on time without damaging your pooch’s sleep cycle? Well the reason for your leaden behind is exactly that – lead.
That’s right – as you read this, countless toxic heavy metals are swirling around in your bloodstream like facial bandages in the skimmer basket of a waterfall swimming pool. You may have already tried infusion therapy, or chelation, or standing in a circle of candles and screaming the word “metal” at an icon of Ronnie James Dio, but those harmful heavy metals are still tenaciously weighing you down from the inside out and forcing you to miss bottomless mimosas every Sunday.
One sip of this baby and you’ll feel instantly ionized, and it’s carb-free to boot!
Luckily, there’s help, and it comes in the form of a full-body magnet cleanse. Magnet cleanses are the hot new health and wellness trend that’s pouring through Los Angeles like a river of molten gold. “But I’ve tried cleanses before,” you’re probably saying, “and a magnet cleanse sounds prohibitively expensive.” You’re right on both counts, but if you ask us, a body free of toxic metals is worth any price?
You shouldn’t be shy about spending at least as much as the monthly premium for your kidnapping insurance, because you’re literally being held hostage. (If you don’t have kidnapping insurance, this article is not for you. Please return whatever electronic device you’re reading this on to the person you stole it from and hand yourself in to the authorities.)
Now, we won’t lie to you – a full magnet cleanse is an intense multi-stage commitment, but we assure you the results are absolutely worth it. First, begin your day with a magnet shake. There are dozens of recipes available online, but we prefer the no-nonsense pure magnet blend – simply shear two cups of shavings off an oversized magnet (you can purchase them in bar, slab, platter, and Wile E. Coyote sizes) and toss them into your Vitamix with some wheatgrass and kale. One sip of this baby and you’ll feel instantly ionized, and it’s carb-free to boot! Note: please schedule at least twenty minutes into your morning schedule after consuming the shake, as you will need that time to violently evacuate your bowels in the nearest toilet, sink, or trash receptacle. Don’t be alarmed – that’s the metal being forced out of your body, so you know the magnets are working!
Around mid-day, you’re going to want to hit a magnet bed for about fifteen to thirty minutes of magging. You’ll probably see magnet beds start popping up in your local spas in no time, but if you’re really serious about committing to the cleanse, we recommend purchasing one to keep in your home. They’re exactly like tanning beds, so you’ll be able to have the delivery boys set it up right next to your Solar Storm and create a truly eye-pleasing symmetry. However, instead of the flat surface of a tanning bed, you’ll find nothing inside a magnet bed but stacks of dense, sharply angular magnets. This creates the intense magnetic field required for a good magging session, and as long as you remain perfectly still and don’t roll or turn your head suddenly, the risk of blindness is minimal.
The magnet cleanse may seem daunting, but trust us when we say that it will be the most worthwhile investment of time and money you’ve ever made.
The final step of the magnet cleanse is to have a magnet vault installed in your home, either in place of a guest wing you’re not currently using or as a brand-new addition, although the addition must be connected to your home via a door, skywalk, or monorail, as your body won’t receive the detoxifying benefits of a freestanding magnet vault. The function of a magnet vault is twofold – first, it coats your home in a constant field of ionization, allowing for convenient all-day magging, albeit not as concentrated as the experience you get from your magnet bed. Second, you can end every day with a spirited dive into your magnet vault and a few celebratory laps. Magnets offer more resistance than water, so you’ll get a better cardio workout than you would in a typical pool. Plus, you’re swimming in magnets! We don’t think we need to remind you why that’s a good thing.
The magnet cleanse may seem daunting, but trust us when we say that it will be the most worthwhile investment of time and money you’ve ever made. And if you find yourself wanting to commit even more to ridding your body of heavy metals, you should consider removing any metal fillings in your mouth and replacing them with magnets, which will ionize your food as you chew it. Keep your eyes open for more magnet cleanse tips in the coming months, because this is one Hollywood trend that isn’t going anyway anytime soon!
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