Ladies, It’s Time To Stop Comparing Every Man To The Goblin King

Everyone (like, even your grandfather) knows that the Goblin King played a huge role in the sexual awakening of millions of adolescents. It was a groundbreaking experience, and it’s been dissected so many times that the internet is literally heaving right now. Can you feel that sweet panting, ladies? That’s some grade-A panting. HOWEVER, it’s time to acknowledge that it’s kind of unfair to compare our feelings for the Goblin King to our feelings for men who are not the Goblin King. Or something like that. Sorry, still panting. It’s hard to stop.

He’s Great with Kids

There are many, many reasons why we can’t help but compare every crotch to our tight-pant Hero of All Things Sex. For one, have you seen him with kids? Dear fuck, he’s good. Show us one pair of ovaries not flapping like mad at the sight of him with a baby on his lap. And he can sing, too. Lord of Hump, what a voice. You can hear him now, ladies, can’t you? Of course you can. Now put some hair in your mouth and whisper, “You remind me of the babe.” Nice.

He Kind of Represents All Men Anyway

The lover, the father figure, the guy who just wants to play with his magic balls. It’s difficult to settle on only one man when the Goblin King is everyone and everything. Honestly, when was the last time a man donned some lip gloss and popped his collar for you? Yeah, we thought so. And sure, he might want our loyal and undivided attention in exchange for his utmost adoration, but come on. Who can say no to that big head of hair? So big. And velvety. Ugh, has anyone seen those crystal balls we keep around the office?

What Were We Saying Again?

Oh, yeah. Stop comparing every man to Jareth the Sex God, ladies. It’s pointless. No one will ever make us want to hump on a bed of puppets as much as he does. It’s just the way it is.

Images: Pexels, Jim Henson Productions