The leaves are changing from verdant greens to cozy oranges and browns. That means fall is here and so, too, are those goddamn neighborhood kids who jump into my carefully amassed piles of fall leaves for some autumn merriment at the expense of my hard labor.
Mark my words: things will be different this year. I’ve taken up composting (which is when rotting food and herbivore shit is decomposed, or “composted,” until it makes a fine nutrient-rich fertilizer for gardening). Rather than keep my piles of foul rot contained as convention dictates, I’ve put them in my front yard and covered them with piles of tempting fall leaves no child can resist.
I tried using a scarecrow to frighten the children away one year. The scarecrow had a penis drawn on its face in permanent marker within an hour. I tried putting up a sign warning them that I’d call the police if they jumped in my leaves again. They drew a penis on that, too, then jumped in the leaves. I even went as far as to sit on my porch for hours on end to ensure they didn’t step foot in my piles. I’d wake after having dozed off, a penis drawn on my face, the leaves in disarray.
I’m done playing nice. I will instead teach them the valuable lesson that one should not blindly trust a pile of leaves, for it may contain horse shit, sharp pine cones, and the straw lining of my daughter’s hamster cage.
My favorite part of this plan is how every element plays multiple roles. These friendly leaves will hold within them a secret slop pile/child deterrent that I will later use to grow cucumbers for salads and pickling. The leaves themselves feed the compost while acting as an irresistible honeypot. I love multitasking; especially when I can apply it to making sure these goddamn neighborhood kids get E. coli.
I can’t wait to come home from work, see the piles in shambles, and smile knowing that when the children tossed the leaves in carefree gaiety they were also dousing themselves in used toilet paper and moist coffee ground.
If any of their parents take issue with my autumn leaf trap, I’ll be more than happy to remind them that their disgusting progeny where technically trespassing on my property. If they don’t go for that, I’ll sell them on the idea that their stank-ass, salmonella-ridden spawn are helping me reduce and reuse waste by adding little shits like them to the pile.
Image Sources: Pexels, Pixabay