They say breaking up is hard to do, but it’s immensely harder if your significant other won’t allow it. You say “We’re over,” they say “Sushi for dinner?” You say, “Sure, I’m starved,” and round and round you go. But don’t lose hope. You don’t have to stay stuck in this relationship until death do you part. You just need to get creative with your break-up tactic. Here are six to try out!
Write It On A Birthday Cake
There’s nothing more fun than getting a message delivered via cake, but forget the classic “Happy birthday.” You have more pertinent information to get across. “We’re over,” “I’m breaking up with you,” or “Happy I’m-dumping-you day” will all work. Throw your significant other one last hurrah so that all their family and friends will be there to witness your break-up, in court if necessary. Sure, most of them will think you’re a terrible human monster, but that will only help ease the pain for your former lover.
Ghost Them
Usually, ghosting takes place earlier in the dating phase. However, there’s no reason this technique can’t work once you’re a full-blown couple. You won’t just be ignoring them through text; you have to ignore them all the time. Stop talking, responding, or acknowledging their being. If it helps, throw a sheet over your head to really drive your point home and also block their eye contact.
Geist Them
This is the German term for “spirit,” similar to “ghost” in English. If ghosting feels too wimpy and you’d rather your partner be the ghost in this situation, just geist them. Slit their throat while they sleep. It’s a shame it has to come to this, but what better way to remove someone than to straight-up kill them? This technique may be messy, but it has a 100% success rate as long as your aim is true. (If you miss, you’ll have a world of other problems.) It’s also illegal and considered a mortal sin by most religions. (Every strategy has its downsides!)
Gillooly Them
Imagine you’re the Tonya and your partner is the Nancy. Find a Jeff Gillooly to orchestrate the plan to take out your partner’s bottom half with a club. Better yet, you can be Tonya and Jeff. (Hell, why not be the assailant, Shane Stant, too?) You have to take it a step further than the O.G. plot, though. It’s not enough to have them on the floor squealing “why, why, why” – you need to break enough bones to get them into a wheelchair for good. Once they’re non-ambulatory, they can’t run after you as you escape your relationship.
Buy Bunny Ears Merchandise With Their Credit Card
With a truly stubborn partner, you may have to try reverse psychology and get them to break up with you. Identity theft is one of the most valid reasons for breaking up with someone, so why not kill two birds with one stone and help yourself to some high-quality, hilarious t-shirts? Just wait until they fall asleep or (my preferred method) offer to cook them a loving, delicious brunch with spoiled eggs. While they’re in the bathroom, you have carte blanche to rifle through their wallet. A t-shirt a day keeps your awful partner away!
Find Their Parents, Skin Them, Then Leave The Skinned Carcasses In Their Mailbox
Nothing gets the point across like a good old-fashioned skinning. Even if it seems like nothing you do will anger your partner, this one is hard to forgive, so channel your inner Hannibal Lecter and go hunt your prey. If your partner’s parents are extremely fleshy and you don’t think their flayed corpses will fit in the mailbox, there are alternatives. Fry your partner up some “chicken” skins for dinner or replace their bedspread with the flesh of their loved ones. If seeing their dead parents’ flesh doesn’t send the signal that the relationship is over, fuck it. Just marry them. I’m out of ideas.