Train Your Adorable New Puppy By Negging The Shit Out Of It
Teach that stupid furball to stop being such a basic bitch
I Went to The General To Save Some Time, Why Didn’t He Save My Dad in ‘nam?
He was known as The Captain back then.
Why Can’t My Son Be My Emotional Support Animal? He’s On A Leash
He’s just as untamable as any beast.
Stop Screaming At Your Kids And Let Me Do It For You!
If you’re comfortable with me telling your children to eat shit but not telling them to get fucked, I need to know that beforehand.
Stop Body Shaming And Accept Yourself As You Are, Unless You’re James
Hey James, fuck you you disgusting shit. Everyone else, please learn to accept your body as it is!
My Ideal Mate Is Still A Plural Marriage With Most Of The New Kids On The Block
Modern guys just aren’t cutting it for me.
7 Tips That Will Save Your Marriage From Frankenstein Monsters
7 steps to protect your marriage from the grips of Frankenstein Monsters.
Slut Shaming Is Wrong Unless I Am About to Finish
No man should be going around calling women names unless they are in my bed, kitchen, or bathtub and I am about 30 seconds away from le petit mort.
Sex-Positive Pumpkin Carving Ideas That Will Arouse Your Whole Neighborhood
Instead of candy, give your neighbors what they really want this Halloween: a comprehensive sexual education via seasonal and sensual pumpkins!
How To Talk To Your Kids About Skeletons Trying To Steal Your Treasure
It’s a sad truth that any normal family who keeps a large pile of gold and precious gems in their home is going to attract skeletons. It’s perfectly natural for children to be frightened of skeletons, but they need to understand that skeleton attacks are just a natural part of life. Every skeleton attack can […]
Check Out These Cleaning Tricks Your Maid Should Really Know How To Do Already
Admit it—nothing stresses you out like keeping a tidy home. From family to friends, working out to wealth management, it’s hard to find the time to keep everything spick and span. Thankfully, we’ve got a few tips that’ll make cleaning a breeze, as long as your maid is paying attention when you explain them to […]
I Deserve The Right To Breastfeed My Snakes In Public
Sometimes when I breastfeed in public, ignorant store owners or cops feel the need to stop me instead of dealing with their own weird hangups. Breastfeeding is beautiful and natural. It’s a sacred bond between a mother and her young, and I should have the right to breastfeed my snakes in public whenever I want. […]
Avocados And Avocadon’ts: The Case Against Our Intern
If there’s one thing on which we at the Bunny Ears office can all agree—and there isn’t much, if last week’s violent melee over which crystals are best is anything to go by—it’s that Craig sucks. Should we fire him even though he works for free and we never actually hired him in the first […]
I Read “7 Secrets To Pull Him Closer Instead of Pushing Him Away” And Now I have 7 Men In My Basement
Let’s face it, ladies. Dating is hard. I struggled to lock down a man for years. I’d watch The Bachelorette and long for a partner, or 28, to chase after me. And yet, date after date, I wouldn’t get a second. So when I stumbled upon a book entitled 7 Secrets to Pull Him Closer Instead […]
The Beginner’s Guide To Taking Care Of Your Aging Stage Mom
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series in which our experts provide everything you need to know about a multitude of endeavors. This week’s writer, Carolyn Burke, will be taking you through: The Beginner’s Guide To Taking Care Of Your Aging Stage Mom From Carolyn: I’ve never been particularly close with Mother. To be […]
I’ve Never Been Prouder Than The Day I Helped My Children Beat Their First Murder Charge
There are many moments during your life as a parent in which you get to feel immeasurable pride for the children your first marriage bore you. Once you and your partner’s schedules lined up and you could reserve time in between getting your enamel sealed with cucumber spring water and applying a Starbucks cold brew […]
Healthy and Delicious Veggies That Will Make You Feel Like You’re Looking at Deepak Chopra
It’s rumored that Sigmund Freud once said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” We get you, Sigmund. Trying to find deeper meaning in random things is a fool’s errand – unless you’re talking about healthy and delicious vegetables that will make you feel like you’re looking at Deepak Chopra. I know I’m not […]
Sniff Out The Best Preschool For Your Toddler Using Bomb Dogs
Let’s face facts: Preschool is the most important time in a child’s life. High school is the most important time in a teenagers’s life, and college is the most important time in a young adult’s life. Parenthood is the most important time in an adult’s life and you’ve already succeeded in squirting one out. But what […]
I Spoke To My Plant To Help It Grow And Now It’s The CEO Of A Fortune 500 Company
I’m not what you might call “nurturing.” More plants have died by my hand than I care to count. I live and die by my slow cooker. Without it, I’d never eat a home-cooked meal in my life. And … well, I used to have children. But I found an amazing lifehack that’s allowed me […]
How To Deal When Your Decorating Tastes Are Too Extra For Your Partner
Moving in together is a big step forward in a relationship, and with all the major issues to talk about—how you should divide chores, who handles which bills, making sure they know you hiss and singe whenever the drapes are opened—potential aesthetic clashes often go undiscussed. Which brings me to this poster of Ronald Reagan […]
Bunny Ears Staff Advice Column: EMOTIONS
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the second ever Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now … ] [EDITOR’S NOTE – PART TWO: We added an Amazon Affiliate link to this article. That means if you click […]
Bunny Ears Staff Advice Column: RELATIONSHIPS
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the first-ever Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now…] Q – Hana Michels Dear trusted advisor, I’m attracted to narcissists. Every person I’ve ever dated has had at least one […]
How To Have Sex On A Beach (And Other Places That Seemed Fun As A Virgin)
Lifestyle blogs and magazines offer an endless supply of sex tips, whether or not the staff has actually tried any of them. But we’ve tried everything here in the Bunny Ears office. You should see our mangled genitals. They’re a slop-fest. Totally unrecognizable. That’s why, when I was asked to come up with even more […]
Guaranteed Ways To Make Your Social Circle Look More Ethnically Diverse
Black is in and fashionable, in more ways than you know. If you know anything, you’ll know that one of the hottest ways to spice up your social life is making it ethnically diverse. But, alas, what’s a small-town Lily white milquetoast like you to do when you don’t have any minorities for friends? Fear […]
How To Literally Attract A Man Using High-Powered Magnets, And Other Foolproof Methods
Dating is rough these days. What with the swiping, the ghosting, and the guys lying about the size of their yurts (45 square feet, my butt). Sometimes it’s enough to make you want to just give up altogether. But fear not, fellow spinsters. Read on for full-proof ways to attract a man! Bacon On A […]
How I Achieved Perfect Harmony Between My Tapeworm and My Amazonian Dick Fish – And You Can Too!
When people find out I am host to a tapeworm and an Amazonian dick fish, they always ask the same questions: “What the fuck?” “Have you seen someone about that?” And finally, “do they get along?” The answers are, respectively, “please don’t swear around my tapeworm,” “of course not,” and a resounding “yes.” But it […]
How To Spice Up Your Sex Life With At-Home Industrial Grade Cleaning Supplies
Are you tired of your average, mundane, everyday sex life? Do you long for the spice, the thrill, and the sheer intensity of something beyond vanilla? Well, have we got the bombastic solution for you! Any average Joe or Jane can supercharge their bedroom romps with just a few common household supplies. Tide Pods Eating […]
You Are Clearly Not Trying Hard Enough to Have Vaginal Orgasms
Listen up, bitch. I’ve had just about enough of your shit. As your sex therapist, I find it deeply concerning and frankly suspicious that you still can’t manage to have vaginal orgasms. I don’t care that you don’t pay me or even know how I keep getting into your house. What’s important is that I […]
Dress For The Job You Want: Superintendent of the Division of Unclaimed Funds Akil Hardy
I’ve always been a naturally career-driven person. Promotions, raises, jealous water cooler gossip. This is what I live for. Some people choose to focus on their families or whatever, and that’s … fine. But for me, there’s nothing quite like climbing the corporate ladder. The number one key to success is … well, knowing the […]
I Made Up A Camp Boyfriend 14 Years Ago and Now Everyone Thinks We Are Getting Married on Saturday
It was the summer of 2004, a rainy day at Camp Towanic which meant movie day. The day’s feature presentation was Never Been Kissed. It was like the camp gods were mocking me. “Stacy Goldstein got fingered in the boat shack last night and you’ve never even been kissed.” “Did you see Alex Greenblatt and […]
How To Get Robert Mueller To Stop Super-Liking You On Tinder
Navigating the current dating landscape, specifically, the “Tinder Game,” can be incredibly confusing. Everyone’s there for a different reason. Some people are looking for real relationships, some people are looking for strange, some people are looking for meaningless hook ups, some people are just seeking attention, and Robert Mueller is super-liking away for who knows […]
I Freaky Friday’d With My Daughter And What Do All These Emojis Mean?
Whenever I saw those stories on the news about kids and the internet, I always thought, “Not my daughter.” But then it happens to you—you get Freaky Friday’d with your teen, and it hits you like a ton of bricks: You don’t know the first thing about your kid. (Also, you look in the mirror […]
How To Be Your Most Authentic Self: From Someone Who Definitely Knows (A 22-Year Old Influencer)
As a woman, yoga influencer, and a Leo (rising), I have collected a very specific and finite bundle of opinions I feel the world needs to hear. I live on Instagram, which I am sure you’ve gathered from my highly curated daily yoga posts that make you wonder “Who actually takes all these photos?” and […]
The Beginner’s Guide To Fostering 2,300 Refugee Children
So, you just adopted 2,300 refugee children who have been recently separated from their families either after their parents crossed the United States’s southern border illegally or attempted to legally apply for asylum and were detained regardless. It doesn’t matter—the point is that now you’ve really got your hands full! 1. FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATE […]
Dear Goop, We Have Your Therapist. If You Want Him Back Give Us Your Best Summer Skincare Products
Dear Goop.com: We have your therapist. He is in the Bunny Ears warehouse, breathing and meditating normally. He is healthy and spiritually aligned. We’re guessing you want him to stay that way. If you want your therapist returned safely please give us your Top 10 Summer Skin Care Product Recommendations. We’re not messing around […]
How To Navigate Your First Date To the Bedroom By Bringing Up Your Dead Friend
First dates are hard to navigate. When you step out of your uber into the unknown of a first date, your greatest hope is the chemistry will be electric and things heat up, like the curling iron you can’t remember if you turned off or not. Once you two lock eyes, you immediately feel a pull like your […]
I Used A Babypod And Now My Baby Looks Just Like The Lead Singer Of Smash Mouth And It’s Definitely Because Of The Babypod And For No Other Reason
Dear Babypod, I would like to file a complaint about your product. When I first heard about your speaker, which I could easily insert into my vagina and use to play music for my baby, I was very excited. This device was perfect for introducing my baby to my favorite band, Smash Mouth. At least […]
How To Use Blackmail To Secure Your Toddler’s Spot In A Prestigious Private Preschool
For better or worse, a college degree is no longer enough to ensure your child’s success. When 300 other job applicants all have the same Computer Engineering degrees, only your child’s exclusive early education experience (aka, private preschool) will give him or her the upper hand over the rest of those nerds. Unfortunately, the snobs […]
A Few Ways To Break-Up With Someone Who Won’t Take No For An Answer
They say breaking up is hard to do, but it’s immensely harder if your significant other won’t allow it. You say “We’re over,” they say “Sushi for dinner?” You say, “Sure, I’m starved,” and round and round you go. But don’t lose hope. You don’t have to stay stuck in this relationship until death do […]
Unconscious Uncoupling: Your Guide To A Pain-Free, One-Sided, Secret Divorce
Much has been made of Bunny Ears hero Gwyneth Paltrow’s decision to “consciously uncouple” from ex-husband Chris Martin, a process that entails mindfully and sensitively detaching from your spouse. That might be fine for Gwynny (we get to call her Gwynny, you should absolutely not call her Gwynny), but what if you’re just, like, really […]
“Got A Hole? Fill A Hole!” (And Other Perfect Wedding Advice)
This weekend, I watched my friend get married. Waiting in line to greet the bride and groom, I overheard some of the best wedding advice from an attending cousin from Florida: “Got a hole? Fill a hole.” Most of my helpful advice is delivered with my middle finger, but when faced with a blushing bride […]
Giving Your Child The Advantages Of Your Immense Wealth Without Being A Helicopter Parent
One of the best things about being obscenely loaded is that you can ensure your children also enjoy the benefits of immense wealth, thus perpetuating a rock-solid cycle of compounding privilege that will echo down your bloodline for years to come. However, be wary of becoming not just a helicopter parent but the even more […]