NEW! Macaulay Culkin’s Bunny Ears: A Lifestyle Brand For You

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Thanks Mack!

Hi there loyal Macaulay Culkin’s Bunny Ears readers (or Warren, as we like to call you)! It’s Matt Cohen. (Yes, that Matt Cohen, not the one from Boogey Man 2, that’s another Matt Cohen.) And yes, I am the co-host of one of the fastest-growing podcasts in the world and yes, the actual star of Getting Even With Dad passes out at my house sometimes, but we are the same, you and I.

I’m the baby one

And in that spirit, I thought it might be nice to celebrate the website’s launch with a small mindfulness exercise; a setting of intentions as it were. And because you and I are basically the same, it might be fun if you were to help each other along the process.

To set an intention, we’ll need to first clear our minds of all extraneous thought. We need to make our very core an open and waiting vessel for the knowledge and enlightenment we are set to receive from the sacred depths.

Close your eyes and listen to a few seconds of this, then open your eyes:

Let the energy flow through you.

Think of a key phrase; a mantra if you will. Something that you can return to throughout the day and that will keep you balanced and on your spiritual path. For instance; I often go with a repeating call of “Lucifuge Rofocale,” which is just some silly thing I like to say. What is your mantra? Some fun suggestions: “Naberius”, ‘Rusalka” or “Ukobach”. Whatever feels right for you and helps you set a clear focus.

Now that we’ve set our intention, let’s picture an idyllic spot; a place that really makes you feel whole. Personally, I like to transport myself to a beautiful beach; perhaps the black shores of the lovely Cocytus river.

Breathe in. This is a safe space. Breathe out.

But you do you! It could be a lovely meadow in Tartarus, taking in the night that has been described as “So dark that it grows the roots of the earth and the unharvested sea.”

Now take yourself to the fantasy spot in your mind, and with me – repeat the following phrase out loud:

“The light and the teacher in me recognizes the void and the mongrel in you. Agios O, Baphomet, Agios O Baphomet. Namaste.”

And now- to seal in our exercise, we, like Legion before us, must prove that we are worthy in his great eyes; his monstrous, burning, all-seeing eyes.

Look deep into his eyes. You are his.

His gaze permanently kept agape, so that he may judge us all, with his ever-knowing ferocity.

He is always watching.

So you’re gonna wanna grab a thumbtack (or an exacto knife if you’re the crafty type), and with your intention in mind, and the clearest and darkest of hearts, let your fluids co-mingle with the very terra firma that our dark lord reigns from under. And remember: just a prick. A little blood goes a long way in terms of ritualistic bloodletting. And you’re going to lose a lot of blood.

Bind your blood to the flesh of the earth. Let it bathe the soil.

But it’s the concept, really; more about the quality of thought than the quantity of plasma.

Take a deep breath. Take another. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it until you see the divine shadow start to creep in and welcome you into Adversary’s open maw. The dark one has been waiting for you. His patience running ever thinner. His wait is over. Now release. And know that you are his… and that we are one. Forever.

Welcome to Bunny Ears!

-Matt Cohen

p.s. Fuck Craig The Intern

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Matt Cohen: Matt Cohen is a podcaster, screenwriter, comedian and dude with a beard. He's worked in various roles in the entertainment industry and is the former host of "Bagged & Boarded" and creative director of Kevin Smith's "SmodCastle" (the worlds first live-podcast theater). Matt has spent the last few years producing short films, making podcast with his friends, and smoking the MOST weed. Be nice to Matt Cohen... he's sensitive.

View Comments (58)

  • I do not recommend using the Swifter Wet Jet to clean up the sacred sacrament. My mom's embroidered towels worked like a charm! Thank to thee Great Master, may my harvest of children of the corn be bountiful!

  • Hey my names Tyler. Enjoyed your artistry as a child. And always hoped you would get it together in doing that you give me hope. Thank you
    Would lobe to chat one day.

  • So I can't actually buy Mack's bunny ears here? In magenta or any other color? Jimmy Fallen got light up bunny ears. I'm envious and disappointed. My daughter and I both need a pair of official Mack bunny ears. While I'd rather have a pair the Mack wore himself, I'm on a tight budget and would be satisfied with a virgin set of unworn ears. I hope you'll reconsider adding bunny ears to the shop.

    • Being a Miz------------zou fan . I have Tiger (kitty) ears . As I caught tiger fever . I like Bunny's too . Reddi Whip was invented by a bunny . I love Reddi Whip . But I digress , living a very ear rich existence is refreshing and rewarding . Wearing studio headphones and my ears together . Puts me in the zone , time passes slowly . I can clearly see my reflections through the years of my life . Or on the windows of the cars , I almost walk into . It's like I travel without moving my feet . It's amazing . I wave at people like I'm the Queen of England . Most smile some wave a finger in the air like your number one . The later seem more serious .

  • OMG I'm totally in love with you Mack! You're so damned happy, just as I recall many years ago when I ran into you in Union Sq and then saw you perform at Bowery Ballroom the Pizza Band. You might find it interesting to know that I saw the Velvet Underground at one of their very last shows before Sterling came down with terminal cancer, in Milan Italy and have the "Banana Ticket Stub", still, as a memento. Anyway, you're so fucking talented and eclectic, and I swear if I had an extra $37K lying around I'd buy that lock of hair in a flash. I asked my husband if we can use our "play money" but then he reminded me of the current balance and we both had a good hearty laugh. Anyway, I want my MACAULAY CULKIN!!!