Hi there loyal Macaulay Culkin’s Bunny Ears readers (or Warren, as we like to call you)! It’s Matt Cohen. (Yes, that Matt Cohen, not the one from Boogey Man 2, that’s another Matt Cohen.) And yes, I am the co-host of one of the fastest-growing podcasts in the world and yes, the actual star of Getting Even With Dad passes out at my house sometimes, but we are the same, you and I.
I’m the baby one
And in that spirit, I thought it might be nice to celebrate the website’s launch with a small mindfulness exercise; a setting of intentions as it were. And because you and I are basically the same, it might be fun if you were to help each other along the process.
To set an intention, we’ll need to first clear our minds of all extraneous thought. We need to make our very core an open and waiting vessel for the knowledge and enlightenment we are set to receive from the sacred depths.
Close your eyes and listen to a few seconds of this, then open your eyes:
Let the energy flow through you.
Think of a key phrase; a mantra if you will. Something that you can return to throughout the day and that will keep you balanced and on your spiritual path. For instance; I often go with a repeating call of “Lucifuge Rofocale,” which is just some silly thing I like to say. What is your mantra? Some fun suggestions: “Naberius”, ‘Rusalka” or “Ukobach”. Whatever feels right for you and helps you set a clear focus.
Now that we’ve set our intention, let’s picture an idyllic spot; a place that really makes you feel whole. Personally, I like to transport myself to a beautiful beach; perhaps the black shores of the lovely Cocytus river.
Breathe in. This is a safe space. Breathe out.
But you do you! It could be a lovely meadow in Tartarus, taking in the night that has been described as “So dark that it grows the roots of the earth and the unharvested sea.”
Now take yourself to the fantasy spot in your mind, and with me – repeat the following phrase out loud:
“The light and the teacher in me recognizes the void and the mongrel in you. Agios O, Baphomet, Agios O Baphomet. Namaste.”
And now- to seal in our exercise, we, like Legion before us, must prove that we are worthy in his great eyes; his monstrous, burning, all-seeing eyes.
Look deep into his eyes. You are his.
His gaze permanently kept agape, so that he may judge us all, with his ever-knowing ferocity.
He is always watching.
So you’re gonna wanna grab a thumbtack (or an exacto knife if you’re the crafty type), and with your intention in mind, and the clearest and darkest of hearts, let your fluids co-mingle with the very terra firma that our dark lord reigns from under. And remember: just a prick. A little blood goes a long way in terms of ritualistic bloodletting. And you’re going to lose a lot of blood.
Bind your blood to the flesh of the earth. Let it bathe the soil.
But it’s the concept, really; more about the quality of thought than the quantity of plasma.
Take a deep breath. Take another. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it until you see the divine shadow start to creep in and welcome you into Adversary’s open maw. The dark one has been waiting for you. His patience running ever thinner. His wait is over. Now release. And know that you are his… and that we are one. Forever.
Welcome to Bunny Ears!
p.s. Fuck Craig The Intern