After years of making time to lie on some beige couch in some crummy home office and talking face-to-face with a therapist, I decided to try Talkspace—the app that connects you with an online counselor. The thought of getting the help I need in the comfort of my beautiful penthouse apartment (which includes not one, but three exotic octopus aquariums) made me sign up immediately. There’s just one thing: I’m pretty sure my new therapist is just a German Shepard with a phone.
Seriously, I think it’s a dog. Like, an actual dog, who has somehow commandeered a phone and learned to communicate via text using simple English phrases. Again, I don’t know how this all came to pass or how it even works on a purely technical level, but I’m now confident my therapist is, in fact, a German Shepard named Reg. And in my defense, Reg seemed like your normal, standard guy at first.
Don’t judge me—he really did make me feel better! Also, I was pretty preoccupied that week because I found out my boyfriend, Louis, was secretly filming octopus porn in my apartment. He always loved my aquarium more than he loved me. But when I tried talking to Reg about it, things got pretty weird.
I was flabbergasted. Was this some new, experimental form of therapy I hadn’t heard of?
That’s when it hit me: This is dog therapy! I’m getting therapy from an actual, real-life dog. (A German Shepherd, to be exact, because they’re highly intelligent and everyone knows those dogs are all about the butt.)
When I told people about Reg they were aghast. Well, everyone except Louis. Louis wanted me to tell Reg all kinds of gross stuff while he filmed our conversations. I refused, and kicked him out of the apartment (using several of the self-empowerment techniques I’d learned from Reg, no less). No way was I going to let him exploit my relationship with my online dog therapist.
I know what you’re thinking. I must be crazy, right? I don’t care, because having a dog as a therapist works just fine for me. It’s like having an emotional support animal, sans all the dog shit. Honestly, I’ve never felt this cared for by anyone in my Contact list.
Thanks, Talkspace!
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