Now that cannabis is legal in nine of the chillest states in the U.S., a few select gyms are offering cannabis yoga classes. Studies conducted at Dr. Big Dawg’s Dope Research Institute show that getting super high and doing yoga rules. We’re not going to take science’s word for it, though. I went out into the world to search for the very best cannabis yoga class in L.A. to recommend to our readers, and boy, did I find it! Unfortunately, remembering where it was is proving to be a problem.
You may be shocked to hear that attendance at the best cannabis yoga class in L.A. was surprisingly low, possibly because it was just in some guy’s basement. Outside, he hung a sign that said “yoga+weed.” There was no schedule listed, and it didn’t really ever start or stop. People just sort of wandered in whenever and left when they got tired. I guess the teacher just does this all day?
As the class moves along, you are encouraged to “micro dose” (take little hits to maintain your high) but not get too high. I recommend you skip that and just go balls to the wall with it. No one likes exercising, but your body needs it for some stupid reason, so why not get so baked you just forget you’re exercising?
You know how the hardest part of yoga is holding in your farts? Imagine that while also hallucinating a coyote that’s trying to take you on a spirit journey, but you’re like “No, coyote, I have to finish doing this sun salutation.” Luckily, the coyote is chill about it.
The first stage of cannabis yoga is “the world is so big, and I’m a tiny little person doing yoga in a drop of water” high. You might cry a little bit at how beautiful everything in this world is. Just pretend your tears are sweat and power through. You can do it! Next, you get “I am a god” high. You’ll feel like you have laser hands with which you can eliminate your enemies. Note: The other people in the class are not your enemies. Trying to eliminate them is very taboo and will ruin the chill vibe of your class.
Then you move on to “so stoned you’re waving to a lake” high. Where did this lake come from? Why do you think it’s going to wave back to you? Girl, you are high.
If you get that high, the only next logical step is “I can see my own b-hole” high. At this point, while you are still vaguely aware that you are doing yoga, your body is doing some strange stuff you never thought you were capable of. Good for you! But it looks weird as shit.
Finally, you end at “my guts are the universe” high. All thoughts of yoga are washed away and you are simply a being floating among the stars, a bendy soul entwined with other souls, lakes, lasers, and all the other minutia that make up the universe. Your body may be lying flat on your yoga mat, drooling as your classmates gather around you in concern, but your soul is free.
Congratulations! You did it! You’ve achieved the perfect cannabis yoga class high. I promise to let you know where you can achieve this kind of spiritual awakening in L.A., as soon as I remember.