A fun fact about TV witches that most people don’t know is that they’re real witches. And a fun fact about me is that people say I have a hard time discerning fantasy from reality, and that my fear of witches is “concerning.” Obviously, the witches from TV have used complicated spells to lull all these witch-deniers into a false sense of security (plus, my Netflix account doesn’t work anymore because a witch made my credit card get declined). That’s why me and my best friend Danny are going to trap the following evil TV witches in our witch-catching box and then burn them good.
1. Sabrina from Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Sitcom Sabrina might seem all innocent, using her witch powers to get in and out of teenage hijinks. But what’s she doing during the commercial breaks? Eating babies, that’s what. Plus, she has a creepy talking cat, and my best friend Danny (who is a dog. Did I not mention that?) says he’s going to take care of that.
2. Samantha from Bewitched
Samantha gave her husband a totally new body and wouldn’t let Uncle Arthur live his life out loud. Every time she wiggles her nose, Satan wins 666 new souls. (This is a scientific fact.)
3. Melisandre from Game of Thrones
The night is dark and full of terrors, just like Melisandre’s dark red hair (which is the telltale sign of a witch, btw. Plus, the magic).
4. Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Willow was good at researching stuff in books and on the internet, and knowledge is the most dangerous thing a witch can have. That’s why it’s extra important to burn Willow.
5. Rita Repulsa from Power Rangers
She looks like my mom and that makes me uncomfortable. What if I saw her and thought she was my mom and I trusted her?
6. The Halliwell Sisters from Charmed
These enchantresses in tank tops are so evil and powerful that they killed their own sister and replaced her with another sister and everybody thought that was fine. Also, they glamoured the entire city of San Francisco so that they could live in a Victorian gem which would easily go for $3 million in the city’s overpriced housing market.
7. Sabrina from Chilling Adventures of Sabrina
This show is extremely dark and exposes impressionable young teens to both satanism and ancient evil rituals. Full disclosure: This version of Sabrina is admittedly pretty cool as a person and she’s also so, so pretty, so Danny and me might not burn her if we catch her. We might just ask her if she maybe wants to play Rock Band with us and maybe eat some Bagel Bites, and maybe (but only if she’s into it) hold hands.
Images: Warner Bros./ABC/ Screen Gems/Pixabay, ABC, Screen Gems, HBO, Warner Bros., Saban Entertainment, Spelling Television, Netflix