How to Balance Your Vaginal pH So A Colony of Bees Can Flourish There

The world is in bad shape. Politics are a virtual minefield. The weather is devastatingly out of control. And hey, did you know the honeybees are still dying? Still, guys. Look, I know what you’re thinking. “I’m allergic to bees, bees killed Macaulay Culkin, and peanut butter is better than honey anyway.” Fair. I’m impressed that you know all that. But may I counter with a few bee facts of my own?

Did you know that cross-pollination aids 30% of the crops responsible for some of your favorite foods? Almond milk, anyone? Avocado toast? That’s right, bees make those things happen. Bees are great. Without them, we wouldn’t have even half of our Instagram photos. It isn’t even just food, either. Your organic cotton blouses and beach towels? Bees are an important factor in those types of products, too. If the bees go, they go.

But What About The Bees?

Fortunately, farmers are working hard to try to save these delicate creatures, and the government has begun encouraging Americans to start setting up their own personal beehives. That sounds nice, in theory, but it is quite difficult to maintain the proper temperature and nutrition required to keep a bee colony thriving. Luckily, if you have lady parts, the difficulties of maintaining your own personal beehive are drastically reduced. It is believed the honeybee originally lived in humid, thickly forested areas. What’s more humid and thickly forested than a vagina? Nothing, if you’re doing it right.

But you can’t just stick a bunch of bees up in there. You need to make sure your gooch is properly calibrated to promote optimal honeybee health.

The Mutual Benefits Of A Literal Honey Trap

Bees don’t just create honey for our milk baths and fruit trays; they use it for food. Honey has an average pH level of 3.9 but can range between 3.4 and 6.1. The vagina has a pH range of 3.8 and 4.5. Vaginas are naturally pH balanced for bees. It’s fine if you don’t feel like slathering a bunch of sticky honey in, on, and around your box—vaginas are enough of a hassle to maintain on their own—but honey contains loads of nutrients important for bees, like amino acids and vitamins. You’ll need to provide an alternative source of nutrition for your bee babies. Switch to bathing or douching* with sugar water.

Sugar water won’t be enough nutrition for the bees, however, so you’ll need a couple supplements to complete your bees’ diet. Thankfully, bee health and vagina health are not dissimilar, so everybody’s a winner here. The frequent use of amino acids and vitamin C suppositories will be of great benefit to both you and your hive. The much-needed vitamins will supplement the sugar water, keeping your bees happy and healthy. The amino acids have also been shown to provide relief to those going through menopause and increase arousal, and the vitamin C will help keep your vajayjay stank at bay!

Join us next week for tips on how to build a bonobo sanctuary in your bunghole.

*Please don’t.

Images: Pixabay