It’s the age-old question, and most of us think about it constantly: Which cereal mascot is the best at fellatio? Which is why we decided to break it down once and for all and find out exactly which of these critters gives the best balanced breakfast BJs.
5. Cap’n Crunch
We don’t mean to perpetuate stereotypes, but he’s in the navy, and you know what that means. He’s also seen some shit, which means he’s experienced and knows exactly how to please. Plus, it’s purported that he loves to dip his mustache in your milk.
4. Trix Rabbit
Have you seen how desperate this bunny is to get his hands on that cereal? Offer him a bowl in exchange for him doing some “trix” for you, if you catch our drift (mouth-to-genital sex). He’ll happily oblige, and we already know he likes a mouth full of flavor.
3. Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Sometimes quantity is better than quality. Sure, they may be needlessly loud and kinda bland, but you get three for the price of one! Plus, they tingle real good when paired with your hot, white, sticky marshmallow goo. What a treat!
2. Franken Berry
The fact that he’s technically a resurrected dead person may be slightly off-putting to some. What’s not off-putting is that he’s squishy, pink, and essentially the perfect full-bodied orifice. Just watch out for his single snaggle tooth.
1. Cornelius “Corny” Rooster
What cereal mascot could be better equipped at sucking D than a literal cock? Literally none! And don’t be fooled by that sharp beak and little mouth hole. He has a lot of nasty chicken tricks up his wing.
Bonus! Dig ’em Frog for Sucking That V
We don’t want this conversation to be too dick-centric, so we’re also including the mascot best equipped for cunnilingus. That extra long, extra dexterous amphibian tongue will have anyone with a “snack box” begging for more. Just try not to think about the fact that he might be a kid.
There you have it! The answer to which cereal mascot is the best at fellatio once and for all. Let us know if there’s any in the top spots we may have missed.
Image: Unsplash, Target, Target, Instacart, Walmart, Amazon, Instacart