When that private jet crashed in the mountains, instantly killing your parents, a pack of wolves took you in and raised you as their own. They were wise guardians who taught you how to survive in the harsh, uncaring wilds. Through the pack, you learned to hunt, to protect, and to love. They did their best … and yet, there’s so much they never taught you. Like, for example:
How to Rely on Your Phone Less
When you were discovered by a search party years after the crash and forced to readjust to modern life, you soon realized that your wolf parents left you woefully unprepared to deal with the instant gratification of internet culture. Your smartphone quickly became too addictive to put down, and you now feel way less connected to present moments. If your pack’s alpha female was as wise as you once thought, wouldn’t she have taught you to limit your screen time? Especially before bed so you don’t mess with your circadian rhythms? That would have really helped.
Personal Finance
In all the hours spent catching food and communicating through whines and mewls, your wolf parents never once sat you down to explain the difference between, say, a 401k and a Roth IRA—and don’t get us started on their lackluster lesson on interest rates. Sure, they were trying their best, but isn’t imparting the tools to one day be financially secure a huge part of responsible child-rearing? Just a thought.
Restaurant Etiquette
Lying on your back and exposing your belly might be a clear signal to your wolf brethren that you feel safe and calm, but that just doesn’t fly in most high-end dining establishments (let alone your local Wendy’s). No one will think you’re comfortable when you’re wiggling around on the floor of a restaurant. They’ll think you’re having a seizure. Leaving a large tip or saying “my compliments to the chef” are options your loving wolf pack either didn’t know or never cared to instill in you before you made an ass of yourself at Spago.
Buying Things Instead of Just Peeing on Them
Ownership isn’t about money or legally-binding contracts among wolves. It’s about whatever you pee on. In the world of man, however, urinating on a sofa only makes it harder to own now that you’re no longer allowed in the sofa store. And yet, the wolves who raised you never once gave you the heads up on that.
Just remember: Yes, your wolf parents failed you in many ways—and, frankly, were selfish at times—but the power to change now lies with you. So stop licking your genitals and get to making that budget.