Ladies, we all know a faux feminist or two, talking a good game but failing to deliver when it really counts. But I don’t just talk the talk, I walk the walk, valuing women enough to splooge on their thoughts—not just their faces. That’s right. I’m so woke I only come on women’s minds.
Our crass culture tries to diminish everything to the physical. And to that I say, “LISTEN UP PATRIARCHY!” Women are more than their bodies. They’ve got big, beautiful brains, too, and I think too many men forget that when nutting. (And while I hate to admit it, it took becoming the proud father of two daughters to realize I needed to show the women in my life just how seriously I take them. And jizzing on their minds seemed like the best way to go about it.)
Take Elizabeth Warren.
Senator Warren is a personal hero of mine. She’s out there breaking the glass ceiling with her juicy, supple smarts every day. In fact, if her IQ doesn’t make you squirt, maybe you need to ask yourself why.
It’s why I’m on a mission to tell every woman I meet—whether she asks or not—that I see beyond her boobs and her butt to the throbbing brain underneath. I’d like to hope that some day, not too far in the future, all men will stop women on the street and tell them this (and also, of course, come on their minds). Because remember fellas: The real turn on is a woman’s intellect. I can’t even get off anymore unless it’s all over my partner’s thoughts and feelings. It’s basically a fetish at this point, and if that makes me a hero, well, I guess I can live with that.
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