I’ve always been a naturally career-driven person. Promotions, raises, jealous water cooler gossip. This is what I live for. Some people choose to focus on their families or whatever, and that’s … fine. But for me, there’s nothing quite like climbing the corporate ladder. The number one key to success is … well, knowing the right people. It’s really all about nepotism. But the number two key to success is to dress for the job you want, not the one you have. I have always made it a priority to keep myself looking professional and classy. The state-appointed supervisor always comments on my stylish business attire whenever I visit my kids. So nice of her to notice. I’ve already clawed my way as high as I can in a number of various industries. So, I decided to set my sights on a new challenge. A new sector. A new desired job. From now on, I’m dressing like Ohio’s Superintendent of the Division of Unclaimed Funds, Akil Hardy.
The Wardrobe Choices Are Limited
First of all, there are only four (four) photos of Akil Hardy on the entirety of Google. What? How? Is that even legal? This is impressive, to be sure, but extremely detrimental to my career goals. All I can gather is that, once, Akil Hardy wore a tan suit with a cornflower blue polka dot tie and he did not like it. There are three photos of Akil Hardy wearing a dark gray suit with a plaid tie so he obviously likes that ensemble far more than the lame tan one. Either that or Akil Hardy has only ever been photographed twice in his entire life and the second time the photographer was extra trigger happy. Either way, Akil Hardy’s gray and plaid look is clearly the more iconic … the one that screams Akil Hardy, so that’s the one I’m going with, I guess.
Does Akil Hardy Even Exist?
Clearly, if I intend to achieve full Akil Hardy, I am going to need to do a little more reconnaissance. I checked out all the social media accounts I could possibly find related to Akil Hardy, and let me tell you, I’m starting to think this guy is a myth. He’s the Santa Claus of Dublin, Ohio. The Loch Ness of unclaimed funds. There’s one account on Facebook with, like, zero posts and a super throwback photo that I think belongs to the correct Akil Hardy but who can really say for sure? I’m fairly certain they don’t speak French in Ohio so he’s not on Instagram. And I definitely found his Twitter account but it’s locked, so that’s no help. There is a fifth photo set as his Twitter avatar, though. So, there’s that. Unfortunately, it looks more like a wedding photo than a work type thing so dressing for this particular job is turning out to be far more difficult than I expected … If I’ve learned anything through all of this, it’s that Akil Hardy has the position of Superintendent of the Division of Unclaimed Funds on lockdown.
Extreme Measures Must Be Taken
OK, fine. Akil Hardy. You win. The position of Superintendent of the Division of Unclaimed Funds is, and forever will be, yours. I give up. I don’t even want this dumb job anym– Hey, the Jimmy John’s across the street from the Ohio Department of Commerce building is hiring. BRB, I have a bus to catch.