Talking to your kids about sex can be daunting. And it’s even more daunting when you don’t actually know the first thing about it. Sure, you somehow made two kids with your wife, but you’re hazy on the details and you’ve honestly always been too embarrassed to ask, let alone get caught Googling it. Luckily, there are some surefire ways to get through “The Talk” without either of your children suspecting you have absolutely no fucking idea how babies are made.
Mock Them for Their Ignorance
The trick, like everything else in parenting, is to avoid making a fool of yourself. A child needs to feel secure in their parents’ understanding of the world, even if it’s all a lie. In fact, especially if it’s all a lie. So act like you know what you’re talking about, and find it ridiculous that they don’t. Seeing their parent smugly mock them for not knowing where babies come from will give your kids the confidence in you they so desperately crave.
Don’t Expect Them to Explain It to You
Never, under any circumstances, turn it around and start asking them questions. Are there literally birds and bees involved? Do you have to capture them or can they be store bought? How do I avoid getting stung? Questions like this are bound to come up, but you don’t want to be the one asking them. It’s not that they aren’t reasonable things to wonder. You just don’t want to leave your child as confused as you are.
“Yes, and” Everything
This trick proves vital. If they mention having sex with a stork, just agree. If they say the butt is involved in french kissing, double down. The worst thing you can do is start contradicting your kids without any actual facts of your own. So when they mention that you have to pee in the mommy’s tummy to make a baby, confidently declare that, yes, yes you do! Then give your little piss babies a hug.
End the Conversation as Quickly as Possible
My own parents never explained sex to me, and yet here I am, the father of two beautiful children. It worked out, and it’ll work out for them, too. So end the conversation the first chance you get and ask them if they want to go for ice cream. They definitely will, and you can all just move on.
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