Earlier this year, I may have ill-advisedly shared five cocktail recipes with Bunny Ears readers during a, um, difficult time in my personal life. In the midst of a brutal divorce, I succumbed to the devil brew, and I was advised by my “lawyer” to check into a rehabilitation facility. I’m happy to report that I’m now enjoying the sober life, and I’m going to celebrate the only way I know how: by sharing some recipes for delicious desserts I discovered during my lengthy and shameful atonement process.
Hawaiian Sundae
1 scoop Häagen-Dazs raspberry ice cream
2 scoops vanilla ice cream
1 diced banana
Light drizzle Torani mango syrup
Light drizzle Torani pineapple syrup
After a hot day in the sun, all the cool cats will be looking to cool off. For yours truly, that could mean a late-night dip in the neighbor’s pool or, on one hazy afternoon, breaking into a house with working air conditioners. For most, all it takes is a good ice cream sundae, and this concoction is the perfect mix of tropical taste and chilly comfort. With a little extra effort, this bad boy might convince your brother-in-law that you’re sorry for dropping a deuce in his refrigerator. Maybe some whipped cream. A cherry on top? It’s worth a shot.
Cherry Cheesecake Connection
1 sheet prepared cheesecake bars, chilled
1 Tbsp maraschino cherries
¼ cup Torani sugar-free black cherry syrup
¼ cup black cherry seltzer
Not only does the rich, robust cherry taste compliment that unmistakably smooth cheesecake sweetness, this treat will satisfy groups both big and small. Whether it’s the PTA that you threatened to bury in a rose garden to everyone from the intervention you ruined with your public nudity, people will never forget this generous confection while hopefully forgetting those other things.
Rum-Glazed Dulce de Leche Lava Cake
1 oz. McDowell’s rum
3 oz. sugar
1 cup caramel chips, melted
3 boxes lava cake mix
Probably oil and eggs
I know what you’re thinking: Is it really wise for newly sober person to prepare an alcoholic dish? News flash: Liquor is going to be around me in the future. I mean, you. It will be around you. So you (and I) will just need to learn to be around it, and what better way than with some scrumptious lava cake? Just mix the rum and the sugar, and then, I mean, the instructions are on the box, right? Then when you make it, put … put the caramel in the cake and then you cook it and then you put the rum sugar on it. Then you can eat all the rum cake and still be as sober as a judge who took everything from me and who I may or may not have called at all hours of the night with some choice slurs. Oh, look, whoopsy me, there’s extra rum in my glass.
Gummy Gone Fishin’ Jello Shots
½ something vodka
Bag, 2 bags of gummy worms
Buncha Swedish Fish
Okay, so I might have accidentally driven my car into your living room. While you’re busy questioning me, maybe ask yourself why you built your house so close to the road. Oh, this isn’t your house? Sorry, officer. You, you ask yourself that. Who has a baby shower on a Thursday anyhow? Was your unborn baby not good enough for a Saturday afternoon?
Anyways, fill up your ice tray with vodka and throw in those gummy shits and voila, the perfect dessert awaits! Yeah, you’re welcome! So happy to provide for you so you can spit in my face and call me drunk again, Ashlee!
Chocolate Bailey’s Shake-Up
A big cup
Half Bailey’s Irish booze drink
Half chocolate liqueur
Splash of cream
Zero fucks
Move over, Grandma’s fudge! There’s a new sheriff in town, and spoiler alert: This dessert hits more than just your sweet tooth, believe you me. A couple servings of this sum-bitch and you’ll feel like the old you again. Remember the old you? Remember taking a good, hot piss in the court’s P.O. box? Remember calling in a bomb threat on your custody hearing? The old you was fun. The old you never apologized for anything.