Guidance. We all seek it, but few can look high beyond the clouds to truly comprehend which direction to go. Luckily, horoscopes are a quick and easy way to attain clarity. So eyes to the fluffy, clouded skies and saddle up as we channel one of our oldest dating apps, the Ouija board, to connect with none other than Bob Ross himself for your much-needed dose of Bob Ross quotes/free monthly horoscope.
Let us begin!
Aries: “Just really make it come alive!” Little known fact: Bob Ross was missing several fingers, lost in a freak woodworking accident with his father. Sometimes, Aries, you’re afraid of pain, which can also include physical intimacy. Jump in and stay in the fight! Even if you could risk losing a digit.
Lucky Numbers: 4, 0, 3…which is the total number of Joy of Painting episodes.
Taurus: “I taught my son to paint mountains like these, and guess what? Now he paints the best darned mountains in the industry!” Steve Ross is quoted as liking lakes. Do whatever you want this summer, Taurus. You’re a freaking BULL!
Lucky Numbers: 3, 8, 1…the number of episodes where Bob Ross painted alone.
Gemini: “Let’s paint this tree a friend. I think everyone should have a friend, they are very important.” People always say to be yourself, but in your case, Gemini, it’s not such a good idea. So this month find someone else and be more like them.
Lucky Numbers: 1, 9, 9, 5…the year the venerable Bob Ross died.
Cancer: “On our canvas, there is no hate or pain. There is only peace and happiness.” There are only two kinds of people out there: bad and worse. Let that soak in, Cancer. Live that truth.
Lucky Numbers: 44…the percentage of paintings that contained happy little clouds.
Leo: “Perhaps we love painting because we can control the canvas and the world we are creating.” You win 100% of the arguments that you ignore. You can’t fail your piss test if you poop in the cup. This month, take reality by the balls and make it your bitch. This is your season. Own it.
Lucky Number: 2…the amount of Bob Ross paintings that had a person in it.
Virgo: “Let it happen! In the time you’ve been sitting around worrying you could’ve finished the whole painting!” Take a step back and assess how you spend your time. This is your month to quit Facebook and convert solely to Instagram, which is a prettier way to find out that everyone is definitely hanging out without you.
Lucky Numbers: 6, 9…the number of Bob Ross paintings with cabins.
Libra: “Now look at that. In just a matter of a few minutes we have something beautiful.” Libra’s prefer staying out of the spotlight, but this month get yourself out there and aspire to be Proactiv testimonial-level pretty. Or at least pretty enough that drag queens will compliment your makeup.
Lucky Numbers: 1, 7…the number of paintings Bob Ross that had a barn.
Scorpio: “Make love to the canvas!” Scorpios are often looking for someone who will understand them, love them, and help them find their way without dictating their actions. You’re at that awkward stage between being born and the day you die, Scorpio. Make every moment count.
Lucky Numbers: 1, 9, 8, 3…the year that The Joy of Painting started on PBS.
Sagittarius: “There’s a tremendous amount of freedom on this canvas. That’s what makes it fun.” Bob Ross may have done The Joy of Painting series for free, but Bob Ross’ company made how-to videos, hosted classes, and sold art supplies. To make money, even I donate blood once a month. Not mine, but the point is that I donate. Watch your budget this season, Sagittarius, and have fun doing it.
Lucky Numbers: 1, 0, 3…the number of Bob Ross paintings with trees but no mountains.
Capricorn: “Just let go—and fall like a little waterfall.” Take this time to do everything TLC said you shouldn’t do. Go chase that waterfall. Swim in those brisk rivers and lakes. And remember: The best thing about drinking is being able to cry in front of complete strangers at dinner parties. (Unrelated, reading our article on how to die alone might serve you well this month).
Lucky Numbers: 1, 8…the amount of Bob Ross paintings with a winter setting.
Aquarius: “However you think it should be is exactly how it should be.” Did you know that Häagen-Dazs is actually an American brand? And that hot dogs contain no actual dog meat? This month you should explore all the lies you’ve been told. Make sure to tell a few yourself, too.
Lucky Numbers: 1, 3…the amount of paintings Bob Ross framed.
Pisces: “We want happy paintings. Happy paintings. If you want sad things watch the news.” Remember: Trump recently tweeted about Jay-Z, so after all these years Jay finally has a bitch problem. We don’t know how that observation relates to your life. Sorry not sorry.
Lucky Numbers: 0…the amount of paintings Bob Ross makes now.
Hopefully you found these Bob Ross quotes both helpful and inspirational. Namaste.
Images: Haiden Goggin/Flickr, Randen Pederson/Flickr, Randen Pederson/Flickr
View Comments (2)
Oof. That Capricorn one
The Bob Ross were a great concept.... the predictions were totally fun
I'm new here so I wouldn't know if Bob Ross Horoscopes are a regular thing
They should be though
Keep it up