How I Used Yoga (And Journaling) To Channel My All-Consuming Rage

Bunny Ears Editor-In-Chief Shawn DePasquale asked me to attend several yoga classes after I complained that I was feeling very stressed out. The one caveat was that I had to purchase a journal and record my thoughts on the process.  So I bought this $375 handmade large luxury leather-bound journal to record my insights that come up during class. (I’m pretty insightful so I got the oversized one!) Here’s what I wrote down:

3/30/18

I love everyone and I’m feeling so inspired today! My favorite yoga teacher, Tara, who went to India once, said if you’re serious about your yoga practice you need to get on your mat every single day. It could just be the dopamine release from getting this incredible journal deal or gas from my fermented-foods-only diet but I think I’m feeling spiritually awakened already!

4/2/18

There is this couple in class that really piss me off – Melissa and Toby. Of course I love them as the luminous beings of light that they truly are, but sometimes I prefer a softer, more ambient light, you know? They are so perfect and thin and happy. Their bodies glisten with coconut oil, like they’ve been living on a tropical beach in a treehouse selling handmade silver jewelry, surfing, and doing yoga constantly yet somehow still smell fantastic. I imagine them arriving by way of dolphin pod; the dolphins swim at full speed towards the shore with “Toblissa” on their backs and fling them triumphantly out of the water and into Tara’s class where they land in a perfect Warrior II. EYE ROLL. I’m here for self-knowledge and improvement and you’re all, wow what a great place for us to parade our perfectly-tanned and toned abs and relaxed, but clearly intensely passionate union in front of everyone.  Did they ever think that some people may have just recently been dumped by their highly successful movie producer boyfriend who actually does live on the beach?  And your sinewy aquatic bodies and unnecessary hand-holding in savasana are actually quite triggering for those people? Keep your relationship out of my enlightenment, please.

4/3/18

I was looking around the class today and saw some other people’s journals and I’m pretty sure my journal is the most expensive one, so that made me feel pretty good. Then Tara said something about the ego and how you shouldn’t compare yourself to other people, but I think she meant like, if you were the one who couldn’t afford a bespoke, gold-lined, top-notch leather journal.

4/4/18

I just think some of these people don’t really “get” yoga, like they are only there for the workout or because yoga is “in,” but they don’t really allow themselves to resonate with the further teachings, which is, of course, to shed the ego and the self and merge your consciousness with your highest Self which is God-consciousness and realize that all is One or whatever. I feel like I’m almost there but some of these girls in Tara’s class just ruin it for me. Like when Tara gives us options to modify a pose and I’m like, yes, I think I will honor my body and put my knee down and then someone next to me will go into a fucking one-handed handstand and I’m like – that’s not even anywhere in the vicinity of what we are doing right now, Melissa. I hope your hand slips off your barely-sweaty mat, so you can experience real pain like the rest of us.

4/5/18

I definitely feel like Moby is just trying to show off. (Do you like Moby or Toblissa? I can’t decide which nickname would sound more humiliating if I started calling them it to their face.) Today Melissa did a drop-back into full wheel and Toby like freaked out as if she had just saved a baby from a goddam burning building. He was all “Babe! Babe! So great, Babe!” So I tried it too, but I got stuck halfway down and I couldn’t breathe and I like made this little gasping sound like a frog getting punched in the throat and I was waving frantically to Tara, but she didn’t see me, but Melissa did, and she came over to help me stand up.  She had the nerve to fucking smile at me and say “You’re almost there, girl.” Can you believe this woman? I was like, “Thanks, hun.”, but I did NOT mean it, and I hate that she is causing me to be inauthentic, which I know Tara doesn’t like, and it’s literally the exact bullshit excuse my highly successful movie producer ex-boyfriend gave for breaking up with me! So suck it Melissa! You and Toby are giving me PTSD! What kind of a name is Toby for a full-grown man anyway? Toby is a cat’s name.

4/6/2018- 4/8/2018

Everything hurts. I hate Shawn and Bunny Ears and Bunnies and Ears. I hate yoga.

4/9/18

I feel like shit. I just realized that my custom leather journal isn’t vegan and I can’t even deal. Between this and Melisoby (trying it out) I don’t need this kind of torture. I’m burning this journal and going to Soul Cycle. I heard the guys there are hotter anyway.  Namaste, jerks.